Negative Messages

How did your experiences with a parent contribute to your
way of thinking today? Some people receive many negative messages throughout their childhood. Those who received negative
messages as children develop irrational thought processes that
carry over into their adult life. Edmund J. Bourne, Ph.D. wrote
about the childhood origins of anxiety disorders in his book, The
Anxiety & Phobia Workbook. He postulated that children who
grow up with critical parents who are perfectionists will experience self-doubt about whether they are “good enough” or are
“sufficiently worthy.” He reported that these children grow up
feeling insecure and become dependent on safety. Many of these
children grow up to become perfectionists later in life. Are you
driving yourself or another person to be perfect in your relationship? The high expectation of perfection is irrational for anyone
in a relationship. Can you be perfect? You live in a world that
reinforces high standards and achievement. Can your relationship work with this same philosophy? The perfectionist contributes to the hurt in a relationship through critical statements and blame. A person’s critical behaviors represent another subtle kind of hurt in a relationship, which can go unrecognized by
the criticizer.

Alanis Morissette’s song, “Perfect,” depicts the irrational
thoughts of perfectionists.

Sometimes is never quite enough

If you’re flawless, then you’ll win my love

Don’t forget to win first place

Don’t forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy

Try a little harder

You’ve got to measure up

And make me prouder

How long before you screw it up

How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up

With everything I do for you

The least you can do is keep quiet

Be a good girl

You’ve gotta try a little harder

That simply wasn’t good enough

To make us proud

I’ll live through you

I’ll make you what I never was

If you’re the best, then maybe so am I

Compared to him compared to her

I’m doing this for your own damn good

You’ll make up for what I blew

What’s the problem... why are you crying

Be a good boy

Push a little farther now

That wasn’t fast enough

To make us happy

We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect

Other negative messages may consist of the child not feeling
loved and respected. Can you remember the times you were made
to feel hated or disrespected by a parent? Did a parent consistently lie to you? Did your parent have a favorite child? Were you
blamed for your parents’ problems in their marriage? Did you
think you were the cause of a parent’s hate or disrespect toward
you?