Autonomy vs. Self-Doubt

In the next stage of development (ages 1–3), the core struggle is autonomy versus shame and self-doubt. A person’s ability to express his individuality is very important in this stage. Making mistakes, challenging the status quo, and critical thinking are the ways in which a person is able to express his individuality. A person who is criticized and made to feel unworthy will not meet the milestones for this stage. Many people adapt to these negative messages by accepting the status quo and emulating the qualities of the people who are significant to them. Even
at a young age, many of these individuals develop codependent traits and perfectionist tendencies in order to survive in this type of environment.

The virtues that will be established for this developmental stage will focus on your individuality and dependency. Having genuine thoughts, feelings, and behaviors is important in this stage. You will need to be able to demonstrate appropriate ways
of depending on the other person in your relationship. Many people experience difficulties exercising their individuality and dependency in healthy ways. In many relationships, one person gets hurt when the other asks either too much or too little from him. This stage does not include household responsibilities or
other tasks. Rather, the focus is on solving problems and thinking
in original ways. People who can make decisions based on the facts and a sense of right and wrong demonstrate critical thinking skills. On the other hand, people who avoid making a decision and rely on others to solve problems have not met this developmental stage. Additionally, people who do not include others in
making decisions when the outcome affects both persons are not demonstrating a healthy dependency. What do you depend on from the other person in your relationship? Who makes the decisions in your relationship? Whom do your decisions impact?

Love

To demonstrate love in this stage, you must develop behavioral expectations that center on performing unconditional acts of charity that also demonstrate your individuality. How would you want to show the other person that you love him? Are your acts of love original or copied from scenes from a book or movie?
Singing songs, writing letters, dancing, painting pictures, or simply wrapping oneself up as a present are a few of the thousands of ways in which a person can demonstrate love. You will need to erase the images of love that you have seen on commercials and soap operas. Then you will need to establish acts of unconditional love that are based on your own personal creativity. Let the other person in your relationship know how much that you depend on his or her love. When you demonstrate these original acts of love to one another, both of you should specifically
explain what you find enjoyable about them. This is how behavioral expectations in this area can be renegotiated over time.

Respect

To demonstrate the virtue of respect, it is important to recognize the attributes of the other person in your relationship and allow him to make mistakes. If you have unmet needs in this developmental stage, you will most likely develop perfectionist
characteristics. This being the case, you would have the tendency to notice the mistakes of the other person while not acknowledging his positive qualities. In order to correct this, you will need to develop a list of behavioral expectations that demonstrate your ability to recognize the accomplishments of the other person.
This may be difficult to do when you first get started because it will force you to shift from irrational to rational thinking. When you recognize someone doing something well, you are acting in a positive and rational way. This does not mean that you should ignore behavior that is disrespectful to you. You may discover
that many of the mistakes the other person makes have little or no impact on you. In these cases, you could demonstrate respect by not recognizing the mistakes and by recognizing the accomplishments. You will find that the other person will usually reciprocate this act.