The Nurturer/Sabotager

The nurturer/sabotager wants to ensure that others’ needs are met but goes beyond the point of nurturance and help. Many people that fall in this personality type grew up in homes where there was emotional and psychological abuse present and adapted by reducing the stress of the abusive parent by any means possible. If the abusive parent were an addict, the child may have modified his or her behavior to match what the addict made known as what was expected. Many children in these situations learn to predict the wants and desires of the others that are never verbalized. The first sign of conflict sends an alert to this personality type that he or she must find ways to diffuse the conflict and create a peaceful situation. The nurturer/sabotager is validated for their efforts by having others confide in them and being reinforced for understanding other’s needs.

For many people with this personality type, they gain a sense of control of people and situations as they develop their peace-making skills. From the time they were children living in abusive and volatile family environments, they learned what social responses reduced the anger and explosive behavior of others in the home. Many times, the nurturer/sabotager needed to utilize lies and deception to create their concept of harmony in environments. They want to help others and possess the need to be needed. They want others to appreciate them and unconsciously place that condition on the relationship. They need persons to agree with their viewpoints even when these views change to meet the needs of others that demonstrate hurt, frustration or anger. Changing views to meet the needs of others is how the nurturer becomes appreciated and needed. This person tells others what they want to hear to ease their hurt and sorrow. There are times when the nurturer encounters someone that points out his inconsistent views and messages. The nurturer/sabotager’s worst nightmare is to have other’s expose their fabrications and double standards. Instead of the nurturer/sabotager admitting this behavioral flaw, he becomes very defensive and sometimes aggressive due to feeling attacked, betrayed and rejected.

When a person with this personality type feels rejected or unappreciated, he or she can resort to a multitude of behavior responses to sabotage or hurt another person. If this person has a power position in a family or company, he or she will create hardship for the person that is perceived as unappreciative. He may become very critical of the targeted person’s performance and overall behavior. He may place unrealistic expectations on those that pose a threat to his way of managing and controlling situations. The nurturer/sabotager will use different types of sanctions to demonstrate his or her negative feelings. He will continue to sabotage the efforts of those that he finds threatening until they no longer confront his inconsistencies or leave the relationship.

Fortunately and unfortunately, you find many persons in the helping professions with this personality type. Wanting to help others and feel needed are not bad personality traits in of themselves. Persons that fall into this personality type have a dark side surface when people at home, work, or in the community begin to confront the deceptive behavior and conditions that are placed on the relationship. Not everyone with this personality type demonstrates unhealthy relationship patterns. Many people help and nurture others in healthy ways. What determines positive ways to help and nurture other? Being able to make this distinction is critical to improving relationships and finding happiness in relationships.