Relationship Boundaries

Boundaries can be defined as borders or limits that can be
imposed in physical, sexual, or emotional forms. If a person has
been hurt traumatically or repeatedly over time, he would have
experienced a violation of these boundaries. This can contribute
to his inability to trust another person. A person with a mental or
developmental disability would also experience problems understanding
the concept of boundaries. As mentioned earlier, disabilities and trauma are factors that contribute to a person’s irrational thinking. In turn, he may have trouble differentiating among the various types of relationships. He might see everyone
as untrustworthy, or he may view them as trustworthy without any rational basis for this determination. In this stage of development, you will initially determine a person’s trustworthiness based on his or her ability to demonstrate love, respect, and honesty toward you.

After determining that the person can be trusted, you will then allow a nurturing relationship to develop. Do you allow the person with whom you are involved in an intimate relationship to take care of your emotional and physical needs? Can
you become vulnerable to someone once you have determined
that you can trust him? Do you have to be in control at all times?
Many people who have been hurt as children grow up with the
irrational thought either that they must be in control at all times
or that they cannot control anything in their lives.

Boundaries can be established with another person by changing the frequency of contact, the content of the disclosures during contact, and the physical and sexual distances created. Without boundaries, a person can lose the ability to protect himself in physical, sexual, and emotional ways. Relationships can
fall under several categories: intimate, friend, acquaintance, or
stranger. Intimate relationships can include friends. Intimates are
those persons with whom you frequently have contact, disclose personal information during contacts, and experience close physical, emotional, or sexual contact. These relationships take much work to maintain and should be with people with whom you want to spend the majority of your time. Remember, however, that physical and emotional closeness is not to be confused with sexuality. You can have intimate friends whom you allow to come close to you in physical yet non-sexual ways.

If you have no one that you consider intimate or trust everyone that you meet, you most likely have suffered trauma in your life and had your personal boundaries violated.

Developing Positive Relationship Skills

No matter what your age or developmental stage, you will be able to refer to these behavioral expectations when you implement a relationship evaluation/atonement system in the relationships you encounter. The initial developmental stage will be described first, but it is the only stage that will not be practiced in the order discussed. Since this stage involves the development of trust, you will need to work through the other stages—thereby gaining a better understanding of the virtues of love, respect, and honesty before you can establish whether you are in a trusting relationship. You will have a better opportunity to know the criteria on which you can base your trust of another person after you work through the rest of the
stages of development.

Stage 1: Trust

When you were born, you possessed a developmental need
for trust in your relationship with a parent or caretaker. You relied
solely on a parent to care for your physical, social, and emotional needs. Although you do not remember your first year of life, you will know by the time you reach adulthood if you experience difficulties trusting others. Are you suspicious of the person in your relationship? On what do you base your suspicions? Have
you trusted someone who later took advantage of your confidence? Many persons who have been physically, sexually, or emotionally abused as children lose their ability to determine whom they can trust. This can also be said for persons who suffer from serious mental and developmental disabilities. Although these people may have gone through their first year of life receiving the nurturing necessary to meet this milestone, a disability or the trauma of abuse and neglect later in their lives delayed their development.

Boundaries

Before you can develop behavioral expectations in this stage, you will need to learn the concept of personal boundaries. Boundaries can be defined as borders or limits that can be imposed in physical, sexual, or emotional forms. If a person has
been hurt traumatically or repeatedly over time, he would have experienced a violation of these boundaries. This can contribute to his inability to trust another person. A person with a mental or developmental disability would also experience problems understanding the concept of boundaries. As mentioned earlier, disabilities and trauma are factors that contribute to a person’s irrational thinking. In turn, he may have trouble differentiating among the various types of relationships. He might see everyone as untrustworthy, or he may view them as trustworthy without
any rational basis for this determination. In this stage of development, you will initially determine a person’s trustworthiness based on his or her ability to demonstrate love, respect, and honesty toward you.

Parenting Messages

If you believed your parents’ negative messages as a child,
you grew up with irrational thoughts that have influenced your
thought processes. Due to your irrational beliefs, your actions
toward someone in a present relationship may not be based on
reality. Do you find yourself overreacting to comments made by
a person in your relationship? Do you automatically interpret
someone’s critical feedback as an expression of hate or rejection?
How would you respond to someone you thought hated you or
was rejecting you?

In these instances, many people either avoid
the problem or become very aggressive. In either case, the person’s behavior resulting from his irrational beliefs from the past
would contribute to his hurtful acts in a present relationship. The
problem is that he will not always recognize his actions as hurtful. Many people who receive negative messages as children
enter relationships as adults sending similar messages.

Irrational Approaches To Relationships In Schools

Public schools do not utilize a system to help students define and evaluate acceptable behavior, so students do not have a way to develop and evaluate good and bad behavior. They are made aware when they break rules. Having rules without outlining positive behavioral expectations only reinforces those students that do not follow rules.

Whose job is it to teach children what constitutes good and bad behavior? Do you think the school has a responsibility to teach students morality? Schools take a neutral stance regarding morally charged issues. When a teacher entertains a student’s right to express hurtful messages without challenging these negative views, he or she is indirectly endorsing violence.

Students who had engaged in bullying, physical attacks, and theft would have constituted the majority of the negative behaviors observed in a school setting. This is a factor in the school setting that contributes to the irrational thoughts of the student that are victimized. Have you ever been picked on in school? When students are on the receiving end of these hurtful behaviors, they sometimes go through extensive worry and anxiety; all factors that impacts learning and rational thought processes.

The National Center for Education Statistics presented in 1993 that more elementary school children (29%) worried about being victims at school than senior high school students (20%). The NCES also reported that 73% of students in assigned public schools and 71% in public schools of choice reported having knowledge that either bullying, physical attack, or robbery was occurring in the school compared to 45% of private school students in 1993. 12% of the students in assigned public school versus 7% in private schools stated they have personally experienced crime or threats in their school. 34% of middle or junior high students were being victimized in school as opposed to 20% of high school students. The statistics showed that 12% of middle or junior high students reported being bullied at school, which was twice the rate of high school students. Students entering high school have the lowest rates of bullying behavior (6%), and worry less about being bullied (20%) than elementary and middle school students. 8% of students in high school presented being personally victimized.

In a public school’s system of discipline, personnel carry out punitive measures when students do not follow rules and guideline. Detentions, suspensions, and expulsions are the main disciplinary measures in this system. There are occasions when a student needs to be protected from another student, especially in extremely volatile situations. In these cases, a student may need to be expelled from the school. Students are not taught coping and problem-solving skills in this type of system. The victim’s anger and frustration can accumulate due to his or her irrational views concerning the problem, which increases the threat of violent acts. The punitive measures do not provide a rational means to resolve conflict and hurt.

Negative Messages

How did your experiences with a parent contribute to your
way of thinking today? Some people receive many negative messages throughout their childhood. Those who received negative
messages as children develop irrational thought processes that
carry over into their adult life. Edmund J. Bourne, Ph.D. wrote
about the childhood origins of anxiety disorders in his book, The
Anxiety & Phobia Workbook. He postulated that children who
grow up with critical parents who are perfectionists will experience self-doubt about whether they are “good enough” or are
“sufficiently worthy.” He reported that these children grow up
feeling insecure and become dependent on safety. Many of these
children grow up to become perfectionists later in life. Are you
driving yourself or another person to be perfect in your relationship? The high expectation of perfection is irrational for anyone
in a relationship. Can you be perfect? You live in a world that
reinforces high standards and achievement. Can your relationship work with this same philosophy? The perfectionist contributes to the hurt in a relationship through critical statements and blame. A person’s critical behaviors represent another subtle kind of hurt in a relationship, which can go unrecognized by
the criticizer.

Alanis Morissette’s song, “Perfect,” depicts the irrational
thoughts of perfectionists.

Sometimes is never quite enough

If you’re flawless, then you’ll win my love

Don’t forget to win first place

Don’t forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy

Try a little harder

You’ve got to measure up

And make me prouder

How long before you screw it up

How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up

With everything I do for you

The least you can do is keep quiet

Be a good girl

You’ve gotta try a little harder

That simply wasn’t good enough

To make us proud

I’ll live through you

I’ll make you what I never was

If you’re the best, then maybe so am I

Compared to him compared to her

I’m doing this for your own damn good

You’ll make up for what I blew

What’s the problem... why are you crying

Be a good boy

Push a little farther now

That wasn’t fast enough

To make us happy

We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect

Other negative messages may consist of the child not feeling
loved and respected. Can you remember the times you were made
to feel hated or disrespected by a parent? Did a parent consistently lie to you? Did your parent have a favorite child? Were you
blamed for your parents’ problems in their marriage? Did you
think you were the cause of a parent’s hate or disrespect toward
you?