The Nurturer/Sabotager

The nurturer/sabotager wants to ensure that others’ needs are met but goes beyond the point of nurturance and help. Many people that fall in this personality type grew up in homes where there was emotional and psychological abuse present and adapted by reducing the stress of the abusive parent by any means possible. If the abusive parent were an addict, the child may have modified his or her behavior to match what the addict made known as what was expected. Many children in these situations learn to predict the wants and desires of the others that are never verbalized. The first sign of conflict sends an alert to this personality type that he or she must find ways to diffuse the conflict and create a peaceful situation. The nurturer/sabotager is validated for their efforts by having others confide in them and being reinforced for understanding other’s needs.

For many people with this personality type, they gain a sense of control of people and situations as they develop their peace-making skills. From the time they were children living in abusive and volatile family environments, they learned what social responses reduced the anger and explosive behavior of others in the home. Many times, the nurturer/sabotager needed to utilize lies and deception to create their concept of harmony in environments. They want to help others and possess the need to be needed. They want others to appreciate them and unconsciously place that condition on the relationship. They need persons to agree with their viewpoints even when these views change to meet the needs of others that demonstrate hurt, frustration or anger. Changing views to meet the needs of others is how the nurturer becomes appreciated and needed. This person tells others what they want to hear to ease their hurt and sorrow. There are times when the nurturer encounters someone that points out his inconsistent views and messages. The nurturer/sabotager’s worst nightmare is to have other’s expose their fabrications and double standards. Instead of the nurturer/sabotager admitting this behavioral flaw, he becomes very defensive and sometimes aggressive due to feeling attacked, betrayed and rejected.

When a person with this personality type feels rejected or unappreciated, he or she can resort to a multitude of behavior responses to sabotage or hurt another person. If this person has a power position in a family or company, he or she will create hardship for the person that is perceived as unappreciative. He may become very critical of the targeted person’s performance and overall behavior. He may place unrealistic expectations on those that pose a threat to his way of managing and controlling situations. The nurturer/sabotager will use different types of sanctions to demonstrate his or her negative feelings. He will continue to sabotage the efforts of those that he finds threatening until they no longer confront his inconsistencies or leave the relationship.

Fortunately and unfortunately, you find many persons in the helping professions with this personality type. Wanting to help others and feel needed are not bad personality traits in of themselves. Persons that fall into this personality type have a dark side surface when people at home, work, or in the community begin to confront the deceptive behavior and conditions that are placed on the relationship. Not everyone with this personality type demonstrates unhealthy relationship patterns. Many people help and nurture others in healthy ways. What determines positive ways to help and nurture other? Being able to make this distinction is critical to improving relationships and finding happiness in relationships.

Recognizing Your Hurtful Personality Type

One of the biggest challenges that you will face will be to recognize your destructive behavior, especially during times that you feel justified in your actions. Are you not justified in “giving the finger” to someone that cuts you off on the freeway? How about when you tell the “know it all” that he or she is full of it? You have to admit that these responses to others feel pretty good! How can you change a behavior that feels so natural and is done without much thought?

First of all, you must become less rigid and sensitive about whom you and others are. Irreverence needs to become a major part of your introspection work. You need to remember that we all are a little mental, hurtful, and pathological. As soon as you believe this, you will become more irreverent and honest about you! You may even start to view others differently. If you evaluate yourself honestly, you may be able to see that you have behaved in a similar manner as the person that you just “went off on!”

There are several types of personality profiles that apply to hurtful behavioral patterns. Learning your personality type can be a powerful and rewarding experience, if used as a tool for discovery, rather than as a method for stereotyping, or as an excuse for bad behavior. Have you ever looked at someone and thought, “She is never happy” or “He was so nice before we were married.” Do you hear other say these comments about you? In the upcoming months, i will start to describe these personality types in detail.