Relationship Virtues

Honesty is not only the act of telling the truth; it involves ascertaining the truth about you. You most likely have never engaged in introspection and are oblivious to your negative patterns of interactions and the hurt that you are inflicting. In order for your relationship to improve, an honest evaluation must take place in how you demonstrate love and respect. You may believe you are being truthful about your behavior. To test your thinking, you will need to learn the definitions of love and respect. If you cannot show how you have demonstrated each of those virtues, you have not honestly evaluated your behavior.

Love is a virtue that can be demonstrated in a multitude of ways. Many of the definitions found in Webster’s New World Dictionary relate love to a feeling – “a passionate affection of one person for another.” I will add two elements to the definition of love: love requires action and love is unconditional. Love involves acts of kindness or generosity that do not require response. Showing love involves displaying feelings, but feelings should not be the driving force in how or why you demonstrate love. If you reserve your love for those who made you feel good, you would tend to withhold love more often. Children can sometimes display behavior that arouses feelings in parents that may not be loving. During those times, feelings of anger and frustration can cause parents to put their children down and to place conditions on their love for them.

Respect entails the ability to appreciate and bring out the unique qualities of others while placing value on their opinions and abilities. Many times, each person in a relationship may emphasize the negative attributes of the other. Those that are negatively impacted may begin to shift their desire from developing special talents to focusing attention on repairing physical or character flaws. Have you or the person in your relationship thought about getting cosmetic surgery, experienced dissatisfaction at work, or experienced stagnation? The absence of respect may make it difficult for either one of you to appreciate and develop natural gifts and talents.

Rational Thoughts

You have an internal monologue that runs through your day.
Thoughts that are self-defeating or that provide unrealistic expectations
for you are irrational thoughts. Using words like always,
have to, and never can make thoughts irrational and expectations
unrealistic. Thoughts that produce second-guessing messages
such as “would have,” “should have,” and “could have” are irrational.
By focusing your energy on thoughts that will not resolve
problems or engage others in the here-and-now, you can send
subtle, hurtful messages to another person. Thoughts that are
uplifting and provide you with real solutions to everyday problems
are rational thoughts. Rational thoughts will not always provide
you with a warm, fuzzy feeling, but they will allow you to
see the possibilities to get through the challenges of life. Rational
thoughts help you to keep your perspective and priorities grounded
in the truth. When you begin to feel that your life is awful and
there is no hope, you are thinking irrationally.