The Possessor Dominator

The possessor/dominator sees people as possessions and security. He does not want to spend time away from a person that he finds comforting and reassuring. He freely demonstrates acts of love, but shows little to no respect for his relationship partner. He only wants to hear opinions and values that match his agenda for having total dominance of the person’s time and affection. The possessor/dominator will attempt to manipulate and dominate by providing gifts and intense affection. He will expect that the intensity is reciprocated and begin to place restrictions on the partner’s behavior and activities in attempts to force their reciprocation. When his relationship partner apposes him, he may become verbally, physically, and even sexually assaultive. He will make attempts to regain the affection of his relationship partner but will continue to revert to forceful tactics to control and dominate his partner. His acts can become more violent as he loses control of the relationship.

For the possessor/dominator to move to a healthier state, he must develop his ability to respect the thoughts, feelings, and unique qualities of his relationship partner. He will need to let go of his strong hold on his partner’s activities and behavior. In order to be able to do this, he must begin to address his own insecurities and fears. For the possessor/dominator, he finds little to no comfort in social situations. He lacks many of the social interaction skills that are developed in the early developmental stages of life. This keeps him very self-centered and egocentric. He needs to be able to look rationally at his own life and ways he was hurt through his childhood. By developing an understanding on how he was dominated and hurt, he can begin to see objectively how he has carried on similar patterns of behavior. By using the criteria of love, respect, and honesty to his past and present behaviors, he can start to evaluate and recognize the hurt he and others have caused.

The possessor/dominator should refrain from intimacy until he develops an understanding of his behavior and engages in behavior and activities to increase his self-worth. The biggest misconception that he possesses in his belief that others will bring about an increase in his esteem. As mentioned throughout this book, a person becomes more irrational as he expects others to show acts of love and respect prior to reciprocating. This places conditions from the start on the relationship. This also reinforces the insecurities and fears of the person as he waits for love and respect to come knocking at their door. The possessor/dominator needs to demonstrate acts of love and respect without having the expectation of reciprocation. He also needs to perform these positive virtues without attempts to develop an intimate relationship. He also needs to understand what events, behaviors, and messages trigger his need to possess and dominate. He must allow others to have choices in how they want to live their life without taking this as a personal assault on him. He will need to develop the social skills of cooperation, active listening, validation, and acceptance.

The Depender/ Neglector

You grew up in a home where very little was expected from you. You were not given responsibilities to help you develop as a child and teenager. Let’s face it, you were a “mamma’s boy” or “daddy’s girl”. Don’t get me wrong, parents that want to spoil their kids have great intentions. If your parents went too far and did not allow you to develop the skills that you needed in the adolescent years, you most likely were someone that depended on others to take care of many of your daily living needs. The depender/neglector grew up in an environment where he did not have to negotiate and solve problems during late childhood and adolescence. His parents placed little to no expectations on him while ensuring that his needs and wants were attended to. The depender/neglector relies on others to resolve his problems and to make his life easier. He lacks the skills of negotiation and problem solving, which makes him more apt to demand and expect others to give into his needs and wants