relationship advice Blog

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Why Women Cheat

Years ago a woman cheating on her spouse was unheard of but in modern times the number of women who cheat on their spouse is growing exponentially. The differences in men and women cheating is that men often cheat for physical reasons while women often have emotional reasons for cheating on their partner. The reasons why women cheat include loneliness, revenge, boredom and self esteem. These factors may be inexcusable but they do exist in the minds of a cheating woman. More and more women are becoming guilty of cheating on their partners and it is often emotional reasons rather than lust that drive them to these affairs.

Loneliness is one of the primary reasons that women seek out affairs and cheat on their partner. Although it sounds contradictory that they should feel lonely because the women are currently in a relationship, it is often a relationship that is not emotionally fulfilling. Women involved in these unsatisfactory relationships may feel as lonely if not more so than women who are not in a relationship. If a woman is not receiving the attention she feels she deserves in a relationship, she may be tempted to seek that attention elsewhere and become involved in an affair. A partner who becomes overly involved with his work or a hobby may not make time to spend with his partner and this often results in the women feeling as if they are all alone. This feeling of loneliness can drive a woman to cheat on her partner. One of the most prevalent reasons why women cheat is that they feel as though their current partner is not lavishing much attention on them and they feel lonely even in his presence.

Revenge has also become and increasing factor in why women cheat. The modern woman is no longer willing to sit back and accept the fact that their partner may cheat on them. If a woman confirms or even just holds a suspicion that their partner is cheating on them, they may be driven to engage in an affair of their own as an act of revenge. The theory of, 'An eye for an eye,' has unfortunately trickled down into the realm of romantic relationships and many women see a cheating partner as a justification to have an affair of their own. They believe that they are justified in having an affair if they catch their partner cheating on them. Furthermore they may be extremely hurt by their partner's actions and seek a way to hurt them in the same way. While it is not a justifiable reason, many women see revenge as an appropriate reason for cheating on their spouse.

Boredom may also factor into why women cheat. Their current relationship may have fallen into a rut and lost the excitement that it possessed in the early stages of its existence. They may feel that their relationship has become dull and predictable and rather than trying to bring excitement into their current relationship they may pursue affairs in the hopes of achieving the excitement they felt when they first became involved with their partner. While an affair may bring about a temporary solution of making the woman feel excited about love again it may ultimately destroy both their current relationship as well as their cheating relationship. An affair is exciting not only because it involves a relationship with a new person but also because it involves sneaking around and ultimately getting away with doing something wrong. To many women this is very exciting and they are willing to risk losing their relationship over their affair. Many women cheat because they are bored with the monotony of their current relationship and they seek to bring excitement back into their life through engaging in an affair.

Another reason why women cheat is a lack of self esteem. Women may feel that they are not getting an adequate amount of admiration from their partner and they may be tempted to cheat to affirm that they are still attractive and desirable. When a relationship meets a stagnant point where the partners are no longer making a conscious effort to reassure each other that they are still desirable, many women begin to feel insecure. This insecurity leads women to seek affirmation of their desirability outside of the relationship in the form of an affair. Being found desirable by another compensates for the lack of longing they feel from their partner and helps to boost their self esteem. While women with a healthy self esteem are more apt to remain happy in a relationship, those that lack self esteem are often driven to cheat on their partners.

Men are not the only ones who cheat on their partners. It is becoming more and more common for women to be guilty of cheating. While women are beginning to cheat as often as men the reasons why women cheat are much different than the reasons why men cheat. The reasons for women cheating are tied tightly to emotional reasons such as loneliness, revenge and boredom.


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4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a woman currently recovering from an entangelment. It never became physical--- sexually suggestive yes.

He found me after many years claimed to have been in love--- deep, true, gut-wrenching, heat breaking love that he says he never persued because he thought I deserved better than he had to offer at the time.

I flirted back at the time hoping that it would make him feel good so that we could get on being platonic friends. I even had fantasies of introducing our spouses and being great couple friends.

Do I really believe it was love? I am too sensible, too pragmatic. I know that he was lonely. I know that I was too and for that reason I allowed myself to flirt.

His wife discovered our email correspondance --- never seedy or sexual in any way. We were like silly teens -- like penpals. I was so high when he sent me CDs and met me for dinner a few times.

Now close to a year later (still have until July of 08 before the aniversary or our very last contact.) I need to know when I will heal. When will I stop thinking of him every day. Why did I fall in love ( really fall, not flirt) after his wife asked for no contact. Not love, I know. But what ever it is it must stop. I so wanted to be loved.

My own spouse is being quite loving these days. I need to be able to forgive past hurts in the marraige, forget the pen pal boyfriend stop wondering if he still "loves" me. How can a mature, well educated woman feel these horrible feelings?

I would certainly love to read thoughts of others who have been hrough this type of crazy relationship. How do people who actually sleep together do it? I am in pain over a few months of benign conversation.

7:08 PM  
Blogger messedup said...

I too am experiencing the same feelings and mine did become sexual. I am also a logical educated woman and find it difficult to believe I am so convicted in my feelings for this man after such a short period of time. It was hard for me to read that you are still struggling with those feelings after a year. My affair ended a month ago and I was really hoping the recovery would be quick. Good luck to you in letting go and let me know if you find the secret to letting that go.

10:17 PM  
Anonymous Emily said...

I'm also an educated rational women that found herself in similar situation. I got out recently and this time for good.
I tried last year but I just couldn't. I was haunted with such an amount of pain and depression that I fell into the same routine.It wasn't love - I know that. It was too sickening obsessive and destructive. And everytime I feel I could text him or ring him I think about that.
We became lovers. It was a fairytale despite I was actually cheating on my long-term boyfriend.He is married and separated. He still hasn't divorced for this or that reason.
He made me act irresponsible: lie, cheat for almost 2 years so I could just see him.
I came to a point a couldn't do it anymore and had to end it for my sake.I cried and felt a sense of loss but I knew it was a right decision.I looked my face in the mirror and asked myself how could I do it? I'm smart. How could I inflict such amount of pain to myself.
I decided to fight for myself and will never fall into the same trap again. It was easy to fall- same taste in a lot of things, mind blowing compliments, sense of excitement, surreal connection.
Before I knew it, it was too late.I didn't think about the wife, whether he did the same routine with other women... He talked about his marriage, how lost he is, and supportive of his ungrateful mentally instable wife. How he can’t go through the divorce because she will kill herself.
When I tried to get out for the first time he made me feel like he’s going to kill himself without me. As if he’s going to die emotionally and never recover. Like I’ve just ruined my last chance to be with a men who is head over heels in love with me – true me.
When I did it again – same thing. Crying, nasty comments, and in the end compliments – just to remain in my head for good. I will never forget you, I will never stop loving you. Every woman wants to hear that. But, he also said I’m his life, he can’t live without my voice, texts, my personality. He doesn’t want to get out of bed without me. How I ruined his every chance to trust anyone in his life for good.That’s sick. Well, how did he manage to live without me for 40 previous years.
He sometimes made me feel so guilty and controlled. When a fairy tale ended for me I felt I couldn’t get out for his sake. I was affraid what he might do. I fell into some kind of addiction I couldn’t get rid of – pleasing him, making him smile, picking him up, placing him into the center of my attention. And when I had a life to live, I felt guilty because I didn’t ring him when he wanted me to ring.
I was just an innocent girl full of life and stayed in his house to take a teaching course. He was living with his wife who was rarely there and didn’t like me from the start. We kept talking in my free time and suddenly, on the last evening he leaves a letter on my bed where he says being in love with me is an understatement and how he and his wife are getting a divorce.
I wanted to hug him and comfort him. It was the saddest letter I’ve ever read. Unfortunately, I ended up kissing him. He suggested we go to his bedroom – I said no. I left next morning, haunted by the guilt and questioning my morality. That day it all began – emails, texts, phonecalls, meetings.
If I knew what I would have to go through I would run away the first day I entered the house. He kept saying I seduced him and irreversed everything. In truth, I think he set his mind on me on the first day and just waited for his move. Why else his wife at the time said to him: you have an eye candy to look at for five weeks? – referring to me.
It is so easy to get into the trap and so hard to get out. Women, remember you’re intelligent and it’s not worth to leave in a nightmare in return for brief moments of feeling like a movie star. If you feel lonely and lost – talk to your real friends or someone you can trust. And try not to blame yourself for doing what you did but realise you were a victim who just couldn’t get away fast enough.
Recovering from the affair isn’t easy but it’s so much easier than staying in it.
I definitely made my choice and I’m proud of it.
Good luck!

7:50 AM  
Blogger james said...

Sometimes we must put conscious effort into things they dont just disappear, it is not always easy. Life is too short to just play around with. The fairy tell life is a far stretch but some of it can be attained if we put all we are into what we have.
As to getting rid of childish fantasies, the mind must be used. everything starts with a thought and effort must be used to get rid of thoughts before they turn into emotions and actions. When a fantasies comes to your mind it must be removed immediately. Stop right where you are and what you are doing pray for it to be removed and push another thought into your mind then immediately do the opposite, in your case call your husband and tell them how you feel about them and make them feel better. after a short period of time the other thoughts will siese to exist and a better you will be in mind. it is not easy but it is the way we are and must be done to secure a better life. I am a guy that was cheated on and just 4 months ago ended my relationship because she would not stop going out. But I have been through many struggles in life including my own cheating when I was younger and through self discovery and talking to hundreds of people with life issues this is what i have found to work. She would not listen and was very childish but I hope others will listen before it is too late and something happens again. Be honest with yourself and tell yourself the real reason you did it in the first place and find help for that issue. Nobody likes to think of thereselves as less than or with issues but we all have them and truth above all will set you free.

11:30 AM  

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