Don’t Grow Apart…Grow Together

There are as many reasons for divorce, as there are married couples! However, you might be surprised to learn that one of the most common reasons for divorce is nothing as dramatic as spousal abuse, or drinking or drug addiction.

Many couples just grow apart. This issue is very common in couples that marry young, and it is easy to understand. At age eighteen or twenty, a blushing bride or proud groom has barely come adulthood, and is certainly not mature.

Interests and direction are still evolving. And, when that evolution begins to slow and the couple find themselves in their thirties or forties, they may suddenly discover that they have grown apart.

Though many young couples think that romance will keep them together forever, a solid relationship – one that will last for thirty, forty or fifty years of married life – is based on friendship, common interests, romance and much more.

If you find yourself at age forty with nothing in common with your spouse, you may feel like strangers. Maybe you’ve run out of things to talk about – other than your children – or you find yourself alone on a Saturday afternoon, trying to remember what to say.

This is not to suggest that you must buy a rifle and get to a practice range if your husband is an avid hunter. Nor should a husband take up gourmet cooking if that is his wife’s hobby. Though, some really dedicated husbands and wives HAVE taken on the challenge of jumping in with both feet!

If you want to give that a try, more power to you! Just be sure that it doesn’t backfire. If you decide to acquire a new interest or skill just to please your spouse, be sure you are really committed to this idea or you will end up resenting your spouse for the time and effort you invest.

And try not to waste the investment by abandoning the activity. Your spouse will be very happy to know you have taken an interest but, if you drop out, it will look as though you really didn’t care all that much!

Here are some other ideas you can consider, if you are looking for ways to share your interests and bond with your spouse.

If you don’t want to take on something that interests your spouse, and jump in with both feet, you can still ‘share’ your thoughts and let them know you noticed what is important to them.

For example, clip an article out of the paper on your husband’s favorite football team, or record a TV appearance by your wife’s favorite actor. Better yet, read a newspaper article about something that interests your spouse and talk to them about it over dinner. Ask them questions about what you read and what they know about the topic and watch their face light up.

Listen to your spouse talk about their favorite subject or hobby and, instead of shutting them down, try to hear ‘clues’ in what they say about what makes them interested in the subject.

Talk to them about what YOU find interesting in the subject. For example, if your husband belongs to a book club and he always talks about the books he is reading, ask him about his favorite authors or what kinds of books he likes best – mystery, suspense, sci-fi.

If you can’t share the interest, at least show your spouse that you respect and honor it. Register your gourmet cook spouse in a local session with a famous chef or find a website or a recipe you think will interest them.

A particularly effective and favorite way to develop a common interest is to look at what interests the both of you now. Then try to find a common area or a ‘type’ of activity you both like.

An example might be if both of you like sports, but you don’t have a sport in common.

Perhaps you bowl and you work out at the gym, and your wife runs. So, you are both in good physical condition and you both like to be active. Maybe you’d like to take a sailing course together.

Eventually, you might even buy a boat if you both like the activity. But, for right now, start small.

If you both like music and there is one kind that you both like, buy tickets to a concert and go see the artist.

Or, plan a day in the city to go to a museum that has exhibits you may both like. Your spouse will gladly walk through the exhibit he does not like, to get to the one he DOES like and you’ll get to time to talk to each other as you wander around.

Along the way, you will rediscover the things you love about each other and the things you already have in common. And together you might just develop some new interests!