Have Your Forgotten How to Talk to Your Spouse

Can you remember the days when you couldn’t find enough time with your spouse to talk about all the wonderful things you wanted to do with your life and to share your thoughts?

How long has it been now? Five years? Ten or twenty? After you’ve exhausted the discussion about the children’s schedule, who has to drop off the dry cleaning and when you will visit your in-laws, do you find yourself at a loss for words?

You are not alone. There is nothing wrong with either of you. You are probably just mired in everyday life and because your daily schedule is so hectic, over the years you simply ran out of time for casual and enjoyable discussion.

And, now you can’t even remember HOW to talk to your spouse.

You are right in wanting to address this issue, because losing the art of conversation with your spouse is a sure step on the road to growing apart and before you know it, you will be wondering if you even KNOW this person sitting at the end of the dinner table.

OK, so maybe you can’t reignite the flame that produced the endless conversation. By now you know each other well enough that you don’t have to stay up until 3:00 a.m. telling stories about your life.

But, that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to each other.

Just remember that you have to break the habits you now have and that means taking the time and trouble to plan for your NEW habits.

At the end of a long day, it is easier to just fall back on the old “how was work today” routine, but if you take five minutes during the day to think of things you want to talk about, you’ll find yourself anxious to get home to share the information with your spouse.

Just be sure you don’t pick topics for discussion that you KNOW your spouse will find boring or uninteresting.

And watch for signals as you are talking. You will see the glazed look in her eyes and you’ll know you’ve lost her attention!

Don’t monopolize the discussion. Use the topics you’ve chosen to get the discussion started and ask your spouse what HE thinks about the subject.

Here are some great ways to get started.

Listen to the news in the morning or on your way to work. When you are listening, try to focus on those things you think your spouse would find interesting. What would SHE tell you about? Then ask her if she heard the story, and what she thought about it.

At work, school or out on the street, pay attention to those things that happen during the day that are funny, educational or interesting and talk about those.

Ask your spouse if they have heard from a good friend lately and what is happening with them.

Talk about things you want to plan or do over the next month or two. Vacation planning is a good topic, but only if you are both looking forward to going and if you are both actively involved in planning for the vacation.

One cautionary note: If you only get an hour or two per day in which the two of you can talk, try NOT to use that time to nag your spouse about an incomplete activity or complain about what has been happening at work or home.

Keep the conversation interesting and try to focus on things that are positive so your spouse will WANT to talk to you.

Once you open the lines of communication, you’ll find that you don’t need conversation starters anymore, and you will start to talk about important things again. And, that is what this is really about.

Remember, if you can’t talk about the little things in life, you will NOT talk about the important or difficult things like elder care, the quality of your sex life, critical financial issues, problems with your kids, or your retirement future together.

Stay connected to your spouse and become aware of what is happening in their life and whether they are feeling stressed, happy or depressed.

A good marriage is based on open communication and that takes effort. But, it is well worth the investment!