2 Relationship-Transforming Phrases You Can Use to Get Your Partner to REALLY Hear You

By Susie and Otto Collins

“The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished.”

Irish playwright, George Bernard Shaw, offered this observation about communication. How many times in your relationships with your partner, your co-workers, your kids, extended family members and others have you assumed that your words were heard when, in fact, they really weren't?

There are so many points along the course of a conversation when communication breaks down and doesn't happen effectively. This can happen without one (or both) people even realizing it. The result is almost always misunderstandings, broken promises, disappointment, conflict and more.

If you're like most people, when you have something to say in your love relationship or marriage, you want to feel heard...and understood. Frustration, resentment and disconnection can come between two people when they aren't communicating effectively with one another-- when they assume they have communicated, but they weren't really being heard.

The automatic and assumed “answer” to this problem can seem to be that the one who is listening needs to just listen better.

Of course, BOTH people in the relationship need to practice being engaged listeners. The multi-tasking needs to stop, distractions put to the side and moments for talking chosen wisely. For example, it's likely that you are NOT going to be heard if your partner is in the middle of balancing the checkbook, washing dishes, preparing food for your family or clicking through the internet.

You can start out by communicating about when you will both be available and able to focus on the conversation you'd like to have.

Even when two people are sitting down together with few or no distractions, communication can still not happen effectively.

This is the point where criticism, blame and judgment often come up. It's understandably frustrating to be speaking as clearly as you know how and feel as if you're talking to a blank wall or to a person who is simply NOT getting your point.

This is the place where some couples stop trying.

They essentially give up on communicating what is most dear to them to one another, because they have felt misunderstood in the past and they believe nothing else is possible. This is also the point where relationship breakup or divorce can happen.

If it seems that your partner doesn't REALLY hear you, don't give up. Try these phrases that can open up communication again in your relationship....

#1: “I'd like you to hear me.”

Jason's wife is a blur most of the time. She is so busy with her job, their kids and community groups she's involved with, they don't have much regular time to sit down and really talk with one another.

It's irritating to Jason to feel like he has to rush important discussions as she heads out the door for a meeting or to drive one of their kids to soccer practice. Most of the time, Jason's wife gives him a quick “Yes” or “No” answer and then later she either forgets the matter completely or remembers their talk differently than he does.

When Jason faced a difficult decision regarding his career, he wanted to include his wife in the conversation. After they both cleaned up from dinner, he asked her to set aside some time to talk with him. She had to postpone a planned phone call, but she agreed to this.

Jason filled his wife in about his work situation and said to her, “I'd like you to hear me and, after I tell you my plan, I'd like to hear your thoughts about this.”

The phrase, “I'd like you to hear me” offers your partner an invitation to really pay attention. Without blaming or accusing the other person of anything, it is a request asking your partner to engage with you about this subject.

“It's important for me to know you heard me” is a variation of this phrase. Again, you are conveying to your partner that his or her attention is appreciated and needed. You might follow a phrase like this with a check-in so that you both are on the same page about the issue or decision you've made.

#2: “Please tell me more.”

Just about every communication involves talking AND listening by both people. It can be helpful to hear what your partner thinks, feels and wants to do in response to what you've said. If you feel at all confused by what your partner says in response or if you are concerned that he or she is not understanding you, try the phrase, “please tell me more.”

Don't jump to conclusions or make assumptions based on the past. Instead, really listen to the words that your partner is saying and, if you feel triggered, remember to breathe and focus in on the moment. You can recommend this phrase to your partner so that he or she can get clarification from you too.

Sharon's boyfriend often makes decisions that affect her without talking to her first. This habit of his drives Sharon crazy. She feels powerless and nasty arguments between the two of them often result.

She has become so accustomed to his habit, she often expects him to take over and “try to run her life.” Sharon acknowledges that she is often defensive and tense around him and this has made communication of any kind more difficult.

The next time that Sharon's boyfriend announces a plan of his to her, she says, “Please tell me more.” This phrase gives Sharon more information BEFORE she responds. She can take back her power and stop assuming that he is making decisions for her.

After hearing the additional information, Sharon can then decide if she is willing to go along with her boyfriend's idea or if she will lovingly say “No thanks.”

Communication can be like a dance. The steps and movements that both people make have a huge effect on how smooth or clumsy the dance becomes. Pay attention to your partner in the communication dance in your relationship and take steps that will have the effects you desire.

Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect and create the passionate relationships they desire. For more relationship advice and information, visit : http://www.relationshipgold.com