What To Do When You Can't Forget The Affair

By Susie and Otto Collins

“He brings me flowers, takes me to dinner and is really trying to make amends, but I still can't get the image of him cheating out of my head!” Janelle confides to her friend.

Janelle agreed to give her husband a second chance after he had an affair several months ago. They are doing everything that the experts say a couple should do to rebuild trust and there have been some improvements.

Janelle's husband is working very hard to win back her trust and there are moments when she can remember how great it used to feel to be married to him.

But, there are many, many more moments when Janelle can't seem to forget his affair. Images of her husband kissing and even making love with the other woman barge into Janelle's mind at the worst possible times. Recently, when Janelle and her husband were passionately kissing each other, she had to stop because she couldn't shake those awful images.

She just can't seem to forget his affair and she doesn't know if she ever will!

There's no doubt about it. Infidelity leaves in its wake a trail of destruction.

Even after the affair has ended, residual memories and imaginings of what happened when one person broke trust linger on and cause all kinds of problems for a couple. If you are trying to rebuild trust with your partner, you might feel like Janelle.

It may seem to you that you will never forget your partner's affair.

You might not ever literally forget that your partner cheated. It happened and you can't reverse the past.

Trying to pretend that your partner did not cheat and that the things that were said and done (by both of you) weren't said or done is not going to benefit anybody. It's important for you both to be honest and to approach your relationship differently.

But, this doesn't mean that you will always be haunted by images of the affair. Your ability to interact, rebuild trust and be intimate with your partner doesn't have to be interrupted and blocked by the past.

If you're having a difficult time forgetting that your partner had an affair, there is probably still healing left for you to do. You may still harbor some resentment, anger, insecurity and grief that needs to be processed.

Learn from the affair.

Infidelity almost never occurs for just one reason. There are usually a whole host of habits and relationship dynamics that drove the couple apart and that contributed to one person's decision to cheat.

For this reason, we encourage couples who are trying to rebuild trust and restore their relationship to learn from the affair.

This is not a time for blame or finger pointing. It IS a time for taking responsibility and it is also a time to identify the array of things that caused disconnection.

Bring your attention to your own habits because this is what you have the most control over. You can't force your partner to change, but you can discover those habits that you have fallen into and decide what you will do differently in the future.

You can also tune in to yourself and notice the needs that you have that aren't being met in your relationship. This might be a place where you and your partner could create agreements to help you fulfill those needs.

Stay focused on the present moment.

As we said above, take the time and give yourself the space to heal. Give yourself permission to express your emotions-- in ways that don't hurt you or another. Hone in on the feelings and don't fixate on the thoughts and expectations that you might have regarding your partner, why he or she cheated, etc.

It is this expression of emotion that allows you to more easily focus in on the present moment. This is key to moving forward with your healing and rebuilding trust in your relationship.

When you're mostly thinking and talking about what happened in the past, you can't very easily create the kind of future you desire. It's as simple as that.

This is a balancing act because it's not going to benefit your relationship to pretend that the affair did not happen. At the same time, it's not going to benefit your relationship to mostly (or only) look at the past.

Set aside that regular time for your healing and for processing any lingering feelings you have related to the affair. In addition to this, look for signs that your partner IS trustable. These might seem small and insignificant but notice them anyway.

Anytime that your partner keeps his or her word, is honest with you about some difficult issue or opens up to you in a new way, acknowledge this. Congratulate yourself when you respond differently to a triggering situation with positive results.

Keep reminding yourself of what is going on, right here and right now, with your partner, yourself and your relationship.

It is this combination of healing and keeping yourself present-focused that will help your relationship rebound after an affair.

Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples communicate, connect and create the passionate relationships they desire. For more free relationship advice and information, visit http://www.RelationshipGold.com