Finding True Love Through Intimacy

Statistics: Submitted by: Guest Article ID: 208 Total views: 981 Word Count: 1314 Rating: Not yet rated --Choose-- 0 1 2 3 4 5

A lot of people have been asking about true love; is there such a
thing; if so, what is it? Is it attainable; if so, how attainable
is it? If it were just love, I wouldn't have so much difficulty.
But, true love?

Talking about true love is risky business. I can imagine taking a
poll, going around asking people who are looking for true love
what it is they're looking for and getting different answers and
a lot of "I don't knows." Given its subjective nature, it
always comes down to one's interpretation or experience. A
never-ending number of questions always seem to get raised.

Let's establish that what we are talking about when we say
'true love' would not be referring to how a parent might feel
towards his or her child or a child towards a parent, between
siblings. The more traditional connotation of true love leans to,
at very least, an emotionally intimate relationship, one that
lasts a lifetime. It may be platonic, it may sexual. But for the
purposes of this discussion we will first explore what may be
some common core elements of true love and of true love that
includes sexual intimacy.

As we continue the discussion about what true love is, we will
see that a number of related questions are raised.

Is true love, love at first sight? Or, does it come later in the
relationship?

True love may and often does begin during the initial encounter,
when two people are meeting for the first time. However, the
spontaneous, eye-to-eye spark, when time gets compressed, when an
irrepressible stirring suddenly before they even talk happens
more often in the movies, quite rarely in reality.

After '...first sight,' the two people will eventually have to
talk to each other. For then, they will get to see how they feel
being together. That spark will either ignite or be kaput,
depending on how it feels to be together, which is largely
determined by the quality of their rapport. The highest high can
go to the lowest low in the blink of an eye.

It is possible that when there is rapport, some kind of mutual
discovery occurs; that they like being together (a lot), that
they like each other (a lot), that they have this incredible
chemistry, that they communicate about anything and everything;
and that this turns them on even more. They can become quite
excited by their rapport, but when attraction, desire and sex
enter the picture, their excitement is further peaked.

Is true love a matter of luck or something that was "meant to
be"?

Whether or not it was a matter of luck or their destiny to end up
together, there is a strong likelihood that there was an initial
rapport. It's not luck when conscious intention meets purposeful
action. It doesn't just happen. Two people make it happen.

Rapport is a joint effort creation -- two who are people united
in purpose, who place a high value getting to know what each
other thinks and feels, who want to connect deeply, and are doing
so.

During a rapport, there is a bridging of experience,
understanding is achieved. Let's establish one criteria of true
love as being able to say, "We understand each other," which
often begins during the initial encounter.

Along with the ability to achieve a deep mutual understanding is
comes a variety of other pleasant surprises. When gazing into
each other's eyes and communicating on a deep level, the feeling
of knowing one another elevates the level of excitement. "We
know each other like no one else does."

For some, the experience of being able to be completely open,
free and understood may be the highest of all highs.

How long does true love last? Does it fade over time?

It is reasonable to assume that if they did it once, they could
do it again. However, there are no guarantees. What bears out in
reality is that true love will last as long as both people are
able to continue to communicate intimately. It may work to look
at each and every encounter as a relationship in itself,
independent of the others. It may also be considered that when
there is consistency over time, the continuity will deepen their
relationship, strengthen their bond.

Is true love the same thing as 'being in love?'  Being with
that special someone? Being number one? Being turned on? Having
great sex?

What does it feel like? Is it a high or rather mundane? Does it
have substance or is it merely a bundle of excitement?

Is it a long plateau of fixed contentment, like being "happy
ever after?" Or, is it a never-ending, ever-deepening journey
fraught with relationship threatening challenges?

Answering the above questions will require that some important
distinctions be made beginning with true love versus 'being in
love.' Being in love is an altered state of mind. It is a peak
experience - exciting, intense... and temporary, tantamount to
being high, running on adrenalin.

When 'in love,' two people may feel extremely turned on to each
other, but how intimate they are is another question. They may
feel clear-headed and certain about each other while they're in
love, while forgetting that they're looking at each other
through the lens of idealization, and are often disillusioned and
overwhelmed when reality sets in. They are expecting, assuming or
hoping that their altered state of mind will last indefinitely.
Chances are they don't have the experience in relationships that
would tell them real intimacy is lacking or hasn't yet been
achieved and/or that they haven't yet been challenged by
negative feelings, conflicts or differences. It is more likely to
be that they are basking in the false security of their distorted
perception.

Another important distinction is true love and great sex.

Confusion is evident in the words often used to describe our
sexual encounters. "We were intimate." "We made love."
Physical or sexual intimacy becomes synonymous with true love or
emotional intimacy. A common pitfall when there is attraction,
desire, great sex, etc, is to assume more of a relationship than
there is.

In light of this confusion, it's safer and more accurate to not
equate true love, or, for that matter, emotional intimacy with
attraction, desire or sex; and not to equate the two. Even great
sex in no way guarantees emotional intimacy or a great
relationship. The two are separate entities and there is no
correlation between them.

One reason for this confusion is that emotional openness and
sharing are considerably harder to achieve than the excitement,
pleasure and ease associated with sex. Once again, it's a trap
of false security.


Does true love depend on the prevailing conditions and
circumstances at any given point in time, a matter of being in
the right time and place?

If  there are conditions and circumstances conducive for true
love, we may consider them to be contextually based
relationships. There is a variety of situations that fit into
this category. One is when two people meet when traveling away
from home, outside of their usual reality. Another is
work-related. There are a great many occupations that afford
co-workers intimate knowledge about each other, and endless
opportunities to earn respect and trust. In the military, for
example, soldiers live and train together for months, sometimes
years, and must rely on each other in battle. Police and
firefighters also spend large chunks of time together and must
depend on each other. Actors travel the whole spectrum of
emotions, baring their souls to each other. And people who've
been through an extreme experience together, i.e. a natural
disaster or a terrorist attack, naturally seek understanding and
support from the only one who had been through the same
experience.

In contrast, a natural setting is in the natural course of life,
independent of an imposed structure, when you must rely solely
and entirely on each other to create and sustain rapport.

In these types of situations, it's quite common to explore
whether they're able to sustain intimacy, whether their
relationship can continue to work outside of the context in which
their relationship grew, in a natural setting. Sometimes it does
and sometimes it doesn't. When their relationship works in both
settings, they may be more inclined to use true love to describe
their relationship.

Also, when sex enters the picture, a whole other set of dynamics
will enter the picture. An intimate platonic relationship
doesn't necessarily translate to a sexually intimate
relationship.

When it comes to true love, intimacy may be the operative term;
true love being interchangeable with true intimacy.

While intimacy may be the operative term, true love may also
refer to a bond that goes above and beyond intimacy. We might
say, "They are hitting on all cylinders."

About the Author

Daniel Linder, MA, MFT private practitioner, Addictions Specialist and Relationship Trainer over 25 years serving a
culturally diverse population of individuals, couples, families
and groups working in the San Francisco Bay Area.  He conducts
workshops, trainings and professional classes (CEU's).

Linder's research and experience has led to his two books:
Demystifying Addiction and Relational Recovery, and numerous
related published articles.

® RelationshipVision is an online relationship training
resource. http://www.RelationshipVision.com

---

Comments

No comments posted.

Add Comment

You do not have permission to comment. If you log in, you may be able to comment.

New Dating Articles
2 users online.