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Book Reviews
Seeking forgiveness begins with "I'm Sorry." In this book, Jay Krunszyinsky weaves you through a myriad of thoughts, ideas and real-life examples and presents solutions that work. An excellent read! - Larry James, CelebrateLove.com, Author, "How to Really Love the One You're With"
~Review by Dr Andrew Knock
visit the ForgivenessNet website at www.forgivenessnet.co.uk
Andrew Knock was born in London, and has lived in Scotland for over 30 years. He came to Christianity in his mid-twenties, following an interest in Buddhism, and has subsequently found immense value in most religious paths and traditions. His fundamental life questions always seem to centre on the dimension of spirituality, and he finds the "road less travelled" to be usually the most enlarging.
He spent 20 years working as a church minister (Episcopal/Anglican), writer, conference speaker, worship leader and consultant with various church groups in Scotland, England and Northern Ireland. He has also taught in Zambia, South Africa, the Republic of Ireland, and the USA, and visited many other countries.
Jay Krunszyinsky has written a passionate book on practical morality, in which he maps out a system to help develop core personal virtues by making acts of atonement whenever we fail other people. He is not concerned to argue the merits of his system against other forms of morality, but aims to convince by the clarity of his system and the wealth of illustrations he provides for different stages of personal development.
The rational approach
Jay Krunszyinsky is a Psychiatric Rehabilitation Counselor and Abuse Investigator for the state of Pennsylvania. His core approach to moral issues is broadly that described as 'virtue ethics,' that is, consideration of the chief virtues which contribute to a fulfilled and purposed life. For Jay, as for Aristotle, the foundation of virtuous living is actually reason or rationality - Jay is very concerned to help people achieve clear-headed and balanced awareness of themselves and their situations.
Jay has clearly brought great insight to helping children and adults face profound scarring and damage, and find ways of healing. The background provides the wealth of examples he gives of 'irrationality', from depression and negative inner messages to trauma, co-dependency, child abuse and family violence. The reader may be surprised by the dramatic aspect of many of Jay's examples - I was. But I first read I'm Sorry some months back, and couldn't review it at the time. However I read it again just after the Beslan school massacre in Russia, and I hope someone like Jay is alongside the hundreds of families there.
Jay has developed a thorough system for schools to use in order to "define behavioral expectations and allow children to evaluate their successes and problems." teachers and parents will find this a valuable tool to reflect on, either applying it or measuring their own methods alongside it.
Love, respect and honesty
Building on this foundation of rationality, Jay introduces what his book's title is about - saying Sorry, "making atonement." Remember that this is not an academic book - Jay isn't relating the word atonement to religious theories. For Jay, it's intensely practical: "Through atonement or problem resolution you can take responsibility for hurtful actions and demonstrate acts of love, respect and honesty." (p 43)
The three core virtues mentioned here are really the heart of the book. Jay views them as applicable to us all - love, respect and honesty. They give substance to what he means by 'atonement': (try to) undo the damage you have caused (and will inevitably cause, like everyone does) by building up these three core virtues. As I've said, the reader shouldn't expect Jay to argue for these three virtues rather than any others, or place his theory alongside different works of virtue ethicists. Instead, in the heart of the book he illustrates how to 'grow' these virtues in ourselves and in the children and adolescents we parent or have responsibility towards. He uses a version of Erikson's personal development theory, to explore 'owning' these virtues at the different stages of our personal development. Theories of personal development also recognise that we 'keep' our younger stages even as adults - we all have baby bits and teenage bits inside our adult psyches.
A wealth of examples
The great strengths of this book are it's single-minded, thought-through moral vision, and the wealth of examples, some shocking, many (most) grounded in day-to-day living. To illustrate Jay's practical use of examples, here's what he says about demonstrating the virtue of respect at the middle childhood (6-12) stage:
"You will also need to show you can take turns while engaged in a sharing activity with another person. Many adults have never learned to share or take turns. Do you share the remote control in your house? How do you arrange for tasks to be shared? People can take turns making a meal, caring for a child, performing a chore, selecting activities ..." (pp 60-1)
Spirituality
Jay concludes with a chapter titled "spirituality for adults in crisis," a terrific phrase. He invites his reader to develop a personal spirituality in some form: "The key to spirituality is the discovery of what it means to be human." (p 86) He sees the 'right' form of spirituality for you developing out of reflection on love, respect and honesty - a generalised approach that is entirely consonant with the virtue ethics approach, for which the ultimate human goal is eudemonia, best translated as fulfilment. And he ends with ten detailed meditations, a kind of summary of the book, which bring the reader into real awareness of the main things.
Who is this book for? Well, I think it will inspire anyone who genuinely wants to grow as a good, moral person, someone who wants to fulfil their life by improving other peoples' lives. I may be wrong but I also sense it will speak particularly clearly to men, since it's such a 'hands-on' approach to relationship issues and personal growth, areas where women normally feel more comfortable. As I've already indicated, it won't speak to readers who don't want to undertake practical change and growth in their lives. And it won't speak to anyone who wants to debate the theories of virtue ethics or personal development from a different professional or religious viewpoint.
One comment I would make is that the title of this book probably conveys the wrong message. "I'm sorry : Repairing a hurtful relationship" sounds like a self-help manual for couples (not that it wouldn't help them, too), not the serious and systematic programme Jay is developing to grow virtues in ourselves and our children. I was reminded of a moment in the movie comedy Nothing to Lose when Martin Laurence mistakenly shoots his buddy Tim Robbins, and Robbins cries, "You don't say you're sorry when you shoot someone!"
Author Interview
Book may help to repair bad relationship
By Julie Stefanko
Reprinted with the permission of the TRIBUNE-REVIEW
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
He doesn't want to "moralize folks," but he believes people need to start learning early on that "certain things just aren't right."
Drawing on 20 years of professional experience in the mental health field, counseling children and families, Jay Krunszyinsky has developed a system that he hopes will "make people slow down and see what's really important in relationships."
In his book, "I'm Sorry: Repairing Hurtful Relationships," Krunszyinsky addresses how issues such as negative messages, codependency and perfectionism can lead to hurtful behavior. He outlines a morality-based approach to help people process this hurt and develop healthy relationships.
A 1979 graduate of Greensburg Salem High School, Krunszyinsky holds a master's degree in counseling from Indiana University of Pennsylvania. As a state certified psychiatric rehabilitation practitioner and abuse investigator, he has worked for numerous human service agencies, counseling families, children, adolescents and adults.
Krunszyinsky's interest in working with troubled youth developed while he worked at Adelphoi Village, an organization that helps children, youth and families to overcome social, emotional and behavioral difficulties. As a live-in counselor, he learned the perspective of youths who were "supposedly, the most horrific kids out there."
"I found out that there's so much good in these kids; it just wasn't brought out in their family environment," Krunszyinsky said.
"They didn't know what respect was. (To them), love meant 'I do this for you, you do this for me.' Love is unconditional. It's not just respect, it's valuing another person," he said.
Krunszyinsky saw that many parents weren't talking to their children regularly, which he believes helps the children to understand if the actions of others were good or bad, right or wrong.
"Give everyone a chance in your family to say how (their day) went today, and don't discount it. If your kid says you aren't spending enough time with them, or you're being mean, listen to it. Own it, apologize for it and try not to do it again. That'll go a long way," he said.
Currently, Krunszyinsky is the director of a long-term structured residence at Passavant Memorial Homes. The locked facility treats people with chronic mental illnesses such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.
Pat Burkart, previous regional administrator for Passavant, supervised Krunszyinsky when he began there. At the time, the program was just beginning and employees were struggling to find an effective method of running it. Krunszyinsky immediately took over and worked to motivate employees, Burkart said.
"Jay is one of the most objective people I've ever met," she said. "He'll sit back and analyze any situation from every angle and ... mull over it until he feels comfortable making a decision."
Burkart, now the executive director of Keystone Tall Tree Girl Scout Council, said anyone who works with young people could benefit from Krunzsyinsky's work.
"That book points at everything society needs to be doing with kids today and everything they've done to neglect kids," she said. "I wish all of the people that have direct influence in the lives of young kids would read it."
Krunzsyinsky, who says he was "self-inspired" to write, now has inspired someone else. His daughter Rachel, 8, now writes and illustrates her own books. Her first was dedicated to her "pride and joy," sister Molly, 2.
 The Cursed Hospital By Dr. Halloween Once upon a time, there was a town. No one went to the hospital because it was haunted. 20,000 years later, one boy went to the haunted hospital. And he got captured! The Zombie nurse took the boy to the burning room. The Zombie nurse tried to burn the boy, but she only burned his hair. |
 The Comet By Rachel Krunszyinsky Once there was a comet that changed the whole town. I'm here to tell you about it. First of all, the town was called Humba Jumba. All of the people who lived there were greedy, selfish, and mean. Well, except for one person. She was poor. Well, about the comet. It was heading directly to the town. It landed quietly. Can you believe it? And get this; it landed right in front of the poor girl. She opened it up and a bright light appeared. It went all over the town. And quess what? All of a sudden, all of the people felt weird. They were being nice! But they also felt empty. They felt alone. They looked at the poor girl and decided they all needed a child, and they adopted her. She was very happy. As for the comet, another bright light came. All of a sudden, it was gone. No one found out how it happened, but they all lived happily ever after! All because of one comet..... |
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