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kruzman on Saturday, August 28th, 2010 |
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Our country has been witness to the atrocities that occur to women and children of other countries, yet we are slowly allowing our own society to erode the moral absolutes that determine right from wrong. The more that a society allows its people to make allowances for doing harm to others, the less civilized the society will become. When one’s pursuit to feel good or self-indulge clouds his or her judgement or causes hurt to someone, this behavior is wrong. The actual behaviors of people need to be evaluated in regards to objective criteria to determine whether behavior was respectful, honest, and loving. When people can look at behavior for what it is rather than how it feels or how other’s interpret the behavior based upon prevailing social customs, they will be better equipped to judge if the behavior is right or wrong.
Susan is a seventeen-year-old growing up in a family that teaches strict morals and values that includes abstinence from sexual activity until marriage. Susan and her friends have classroom discussions with teachers and counselors that sexual activity was appropriate if both persons were consenting and safe sex was practiced. Through the media and discussions with other students, Susan concludes that the act of oral sex is not considered sexual due to this act not involving penetration. Susan really loves her boyfriend and decided this was a way to adhere to her parents’ wishes and show her boyfriend she loves him.
If you have watched the news and special reports on television, you have seen that this example is a prevailing thought among many teenagers. Many boys and girls believe they are keeping their virginity by engaging in oral sex. The prevailing social custom is that oral sex is not sex. Where have we heard this before? This is an example of moral relativism. The conclusion made by Susan was not based on an absolute moral decision not to engage in sexual activity. If Susan understood that her actions were in direct opposition to her moral code, she would have to make a decision to either uphold or break her values and morality taught to her. If parents and teachers are working together by helping children and adolescents see the truth about their actions based upon absolute terms, the children and adolescents will be placed at a higher level of responsibility and accountability for their actions. This is not to say that teenagers will not engage in sexual relationships. Their choice needs to be based upon their knowing this behavior has consequences and is not endorsed by their parents or the other systems of care in their life. If parents remain supportive and communicate each day with their kids, the discussion of sexuality can be open and provide teenagers ways to manage their strong feelings associated with intimate relationships. If you are a parent that will leave these discussions up to the school personnel, pay heed to the above example involving Susan. These types of discussions do occur in schools and are acted upon by teenage boys and girls. Sexuality is not a bad word, nor should parents ignore engaging children in these discussions. What is inappropriate is a lack of involvement of parents in their children’s lives and the teaching of strong virtues and values to help children and adolescents ascertain how to proceed in positive and healthy relationships.
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kruzman on Thursday, August 12th, 2010 |
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Some acts of love involve perseverance, sacrifice, and heartache. Based on Webster’s definition, these situations would not constitute love. If it does not feel good, get away from it is the mantra today. No wander we see high divorce rates and a society that has the adage of every man or woman for themselves. Love needs to prompt one to act in ways that helps others to see the true charity in one’s actions. You have a responsibility to allow others to see how their actions are impacting others. If you base love on how someone makes you feel without thinking through the reality of the behavioral interplay between you and the other person, then you will become suspect to manipulation and hurt. You must begin by making a written list of those qualities that constitute love. They need to be based upon acts of true charity. Some of these qualities may include, but are not limited to, the following:
- You or someone you know provides a means for the other to meet emotional needs without requiring anything in return.
- You or someone you know take time from personal time to share time engaged in the other person’s favorite activity.
- You or someone you know provides gifts of money or time to others in need.
- You or someone give up an enjoyable activity to meet the immediate needs of the other.
- You or someone you know utilizing your God given talents and abilities to benefit others.
Respect entails the ability to appreciate and bring out the unique qualities of others. Giving value to people demonstrates respect and is the key to developing any positive relationship. I want to also present here that respect entails a concerted effort to value others. Many people want others to think they respect them by not showing disrespect. I believe the refusal to value others and not taking a stance to value or bring out the unique qualities in others makes you fall short in demonstrating respect. As I stated earlier, if a dead person can demonstrate the behavior, then you are not demonstrating an active skill or behavior. Some of these qualities may include, but are not limited to, the following:
- You or someone you know communicate objectively about what you observe both positive and negative in specific behaviors exhibited by the other.
- You or someone you know go to one another about information the other is highly knowledgeable.
- You or someone you know values the opinion of the other.
- You or someone you know that gives high praise and admires the other’s qualities.
- You or someone you know wants to learn what the other knows.
Honesty is the act of telling the truth. Honesty also involves accepting responsibility for how our actions impact others. You need to take an inventory of your daily actions towards others and theirs towards you. Did you and others adhere to the truth in your life? Is deception at work in your interactions with others? If you rather avoid the truth about who you are and who the people you spend time with are, then you need to think about why this is the case. When you think rationally about living a lie, you will discover how imprisoned you are and how unhappy you are. Some of these qualities of honesty may include, but are not limited to, the following:
- You or someone you know takes ownership for their problems and how they impact the other.
- You or someone you know bases what they say on objective information.
- You or someone you know does not accept your excuses for behavior that negatively impacts the other.
- You or someone you know presents the same information about the other as they present it to persons outside the relationship.
- You or someone you know tells the truth or owns up to the truth and atones in a genuine fashion for deceptive acts.
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kruzman on Tuesday, July 27th, 2010 |
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I have worked with adults who have been diagnosed with thought, mood, and personality disorders. The majority of these people have childhood origins where physical, sexual, or emotional abuse has been present. There is evidence through statistics on reported rape, molestation, and other forms of abuse for children to suggest that there is a substantial problem involving children being hurt. The unreported cases and subtle forms of hurt bring this number to a very significant amount. To this day, I have not read any book that has addressed this growing problem in a systematic way. There are many reports on how dysfunction in families produces a generation effect where children grow up to demonstrate similar patterns of problematic behavior as their parents. The rules of a dysfunctional family begin to be the moral code for children and their children to come.
There are many families that go unaccounted and unnoticed until their child behaves in ways that demonstrates a noncompliance to the rules of society. The fact that the hurt goes unnoticed contributes to the child’s insecurities and negative feelings associated with confusion, self-doubt, and insecurity. The child who experiences the more obvious hurts such as physical and sexual abuse has the better chance of being recognized by sources outside the family than those more subtle negative messages.
I believe that a system can be created that encourages accountability and atonement, which is grounded in morality and virtuous behavior. I believe this is possible if these concepts can be addressed in the various systems our children come in contact. Can psychiatric illness be prevented? There is enough biological evidence to suggest that there are some psychiatric illnesses that cannot be prevented. I do believe that how parents and other professionals react to and teach children can promote positive behavior in children and adolescents, especially those who present out of the norms of society. I do not believe that medication be used as a first step to managing children who exhibit behaviors that go against the expectations of families and schools. Many times their behaviors are a result of their home or school environments. Inconsistent rules and unrealistic expectations of teachers and parents can result in behavioral problems by children. Teachers and parents should hold the bar to achievement high for children but not make the environment impossible to achieve expectations and goals. I believe it is unrealistic to expect some children to sit in a big classroom and remain still all day when the activities are not presented in a fun or interesting manner. Maybe our children labeled as ADHD are really the healthy children who are responding normally to a boring and stagnant environment. Having rules alone in school and home environments are not the best ways to promote positive norms. Many times, rules tell kids what they cannot do. Children need to know what they can do to show positive behaviors and will need to be recognized for their ability to demonstrate these behaviors. Children will not learn new behaviors without someone teaching them how to perform the behavior and how the behavior is relevant to their needs.
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kruzman on Sunday, July 11th, 2010 |
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Many people who have been abused treat most persons in their lives like an intimate. They instantly share their “psychological baggage” with those they meet and base their relationship on the feeling they get from the other person. From a rational perspective, this type of approach is careless and places you at a high risk for further abuse and hurt. Many perpetrators of hurt are charismatic and can give their victims a good feeling about them initially. Others are very codependent and often want to be in control of situations. When they find themselves challenged to take a stand, they usually demonstrate behavior that can confuse and leave you feeling empty. Since you allowed them to disclose personal information too quickly, they feel victimized by you especially when their life circumstance, which was presented as terrible changes for the better. One day you will feel very close to this type of person, and the next day feel a complete reversal take place. All of a sudden, they have distanced themselves from you. Once you become more aware of relationships such as these, you will understand how an enabler works. You may very well have these same traits. If you try to please everyone and maintain this, you will soon discover how you will need to lie and deceive to continue this type of enabling. During those times when a person with codependency is faced with having people come together to confront them on their different stories, they become very angry and dismiss one or more of the people in their relationship as being insensitive and unappreciative of their affection. Their allure to others is their openness and willingness to share intimate details about themselves and will make the person they are with believe they are very important. Many times, perpetrators of hurt are also victims of hurt. This is why a perpetrator of hurt will always find their victim if there was only one person out of one hundred in the room that had poor boundaries. Without a sound and rational approach to differentiating the type of relationship to form with others, victims of hurt will remain victims. Let’s take the same example and modify it to demonstrate the use of setting boundaries to correspond with an encounter with a stranger.
Krissy was in the shopping mall and met Charlene while standing in line to purchase a new pair of shoes. Krissy smiled at Charlene and asked her how she was doing. Charlene looked at Krissy and broke into tears. Charlene started to tell Krissy how she was in an abusive relationship and Krissy stopped her by stating that the information she was sharing was too personal for her to hear. Krissy told Charlene that she could see she was in much pain and let her know that a professional would be better suited to attend to her needs than she. Charlene said that she was afraid to do this because she feared her husband might do something bad to her if she pursued help. Krissy told Charlene that this was more reason why she could not provide any other assistance. Krissy stated that she was not able to help other than by giving Charlene names of persons to contact at the woman’s shelter and counseling center. Charlene took the information and walked away.
This example demonstrates how you can stop strangers from engaging you like a friend or intimate. The information Krissy received was enough for her to help Charlene access the type of help she needed. If Krissy decides she can help someone who is in a violent relationship, she has created a relationship she will not be able to navigate. Many people misunderstand this boundary setting as a means to not involve oneself in helping others. This is not the case. Letting others know that they are giving out personal information to a stranger is a demonstration of respect and honesty. If you believe you can solve other people’s problems, you are in for a difficult ride in life. This would also indicate that you might be more codependent than you think. Krissy may have liked Charlene and wished to pursue a relationship based upon Charlene’s genuineness after the first encounter. Future interactions should continue to focus on a more superficial course until each gets to know one another. As Charlene demonstrates honesty, respect, and love, Krissy would begin to share her values and deeper information regarding her as a person.
By
kruzman on Tuesday, June 29th, 2010 |
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There still exists a moral responsibility that we must hold each person in this country. Persons have the right not to be harmed and need to see that this is the consensus of every person they come in contact. Although this is the goal, the reality is that children, adolescents, and adults are hurt each day by significant people and others in their lives. They are made to feel that they do not measure up to expectations or that they are not worthy of other’s respect or love. They are lied to by family members and others and manipulated to feel that they must please others to be accepted. These subtle messages over time can create problems for people that can even result in criminal justice involvement, psychiatric care, or the act of suicide.
Mary and her mother have always been very close. As a teenager, Mary helped her mother get through some tough times with her father. Mary listened to her mother’s stories concerning how physically and emotionally abusive her father was. Mary’s mother told her how thankful she was to have a daughter like her. Mary hated her father for what he was doing to her mother. Her father never directly hit her or criticized her, but Mary knew he hid this from her to try to win her over. Mary could not understand why her mother stayed with him. Mary was hurt when she saw her mother and father spending time together laughing. Mary told her mother she was two-faced and that her mother lied about not loving her father. Mary’s father found this out and carried out the punishment. Mary did not know her mother told her father to do this. Mary was very hurt by this. Mary’s mother and father had an argument over the finances. Her mother asked Mary to spend more time with her. Mary’s mother shared with her how her father did not allow them to spend money on what they needed. Mary’s mother pointed out how bad she felt awful that her father punished her. She told Mary that she tried to stick up for Mary but that Mary’s father was very abusive to her.
This example does not demonstrate an overt act of abuse. This is a very common occurrence in families. Mary is in a codependent relationship with her mother. From the example, you will see how easy it is for parents to use their children to get their needs met. Mary’s mother needed Mary when her relationship with her husband became stormy. Mary was given personal information that changed her role in the family. She was placed in a parental role and was given information that changed her perception of her father. Mary’s mother only wanted Mary to see her as someone who was a victim to her father and a mother and friend to her. She became upset when her daughter challenged the information she provided. Mary’s mother used the father as her medium to carry out the punishment in order to triangulate the relationships in the family and to restore her role as Mary’s friend and confidant.
