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Critical Thinking and Healthy Relationships

By kruzman on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010 | No Comments

Many factors contribute to how we behave.  We base the way we act on how we think and feel.  For those who have been hurt by others, they tend to base their responses to these events on how they feel about the person who hurt them.  They, in turn, base their bad feelings as being part of who they are and not the person who has just hurt them.  Another example of this is persons who have been physically abused.  These victims of hurt adopt feelings of fear and pain and consider themselves weak or inadequate based upon their feelings.  Feeling bad about and placing blame on oneself begins to erode one’s self-esteem and self-worth.  This makes this person more vulnerable to those who act in ways to make them feel good because this is what they are desperately seeking.  The problem is that the person seeking to feel good is oblivious to the character and integrity of the person they are seeking this “feel good” situation.  How many people who continuously become hurt by others emotionally, physically, or sexually continue to spend time with the same type of abusive people or become abusive themselves.  Children and adolescents who look for this “good feeling” many times end up using drugs and alcohol and engage in sexual activity for the reasons previously stated.

I have been told over and over again how perpetrators of hurt find persons who have been victimized.  Throughout my book, I’m Sorry, I will make it clear on why this is the case and how one can utilize the virtue categories to develop boundaries with relationships to become less vulnerable to hurt.  I believe the absence of the virtues of love, respect, and honesty has contributed to the abusive situations in our society as well as society’s reactionary approach to addressing people and problem situation.  Families, schools, and professional helpers have not taught our children how to behave in virtuous ways and to take responsibility for their wrongdoing and atone in ways to show they are sorry.  Many of these systems of care react in ways only to place blame on children or to have them act in ways that will please the adult in charge.  Not only does this create codependency and self-doubt in children; it also prohibits children from utilizing critical thinking and problem-solving skills that are crucial to their normal development.  Why can’t our children challenge statements or decisions made by adults that go against their values and morals?  As long as these challenges are made in respectful ways, I believe our children need to have the right to ask questions and challenge any value contrary to what they believe.  Compliance is not the characteristic that made our country great.  America is a rebel nation in regards to our ability to chart our own course for everyone else to follow.

Every Man and Woman For Themselves

By kruzman on Tuesday, April 13th, 2010 | 3 Comments

In our society, we have started to adopt a “every man for themselves” mentality.  This has contributed to wrongs being ignored by others and for absolute right and wrongs to be abandoned.   Kids come home from school to an empty house.  Kids are left to cope with the struggles they experience at school, home, and in their neighborhoods.  Children, adolescents, and adults are being desensitized to wrongs at home, in school, and in our communities.  It has become acceptable to blame others for our own mistakes and to leave our children to their own devices.  Taking someone’s life is debated on whether this is acceptable in certain circumstances outside of war and criminal justice.  This has become a “feel good” time in our country, and our children have become acclimated to this type of culture.  More and more children are feeling bad because of their parents’ pursuits to feel good.  

What has happened to our taking responsibility for our actions?  What happened to one person working out a problem with another person?  Today, our courtrooms are filled with frivolous cases where one person is in conflict with another.  What is most disheartening is that many times the truth is not known in these cases.  The act of atonement is so significant in our lives.  It forces us to be accountable and take responsibility for our actions.  Atonement takes into account the act of forgiveness, which is such a powerful action by another person, especially when they matter to you.  In this process, the truth is revealed and actions are taken to demonstrate sorrow.  For the obvious acts of hurt to remain obvious, the truth must be known to help each person work through to a positive resolution.  I do not see any other way for human beings to work out hurts and wrongs they cause one another. Through these actions, persons will become more aware of their actions towards others and develop better relationships or understanding with others.

In a world where people understand where their pain and hurt originate, healing can take place.  When you fully understand that your hurt is due to an absolute wrong by someone, you can see the obvious and think and feel in rational ways. 

 Love was born to two wonderful parents who always planned to have a big family.  Love always had a pain in her private areas, and she cried.  She enjoyed those times with her father as a young girl.  He held her close and told her she was the most important person in the world to her.  Love also enjoyed visiting her grandparents.  Her grandfather would hold her close just like her father.  She continued to feel the pain below but felt all right because she was held so close.

 Love was a very attractive teenager but she seldom ever wore clothes to show this.  She kept to herself most of the times because her father and grandfather warned her that other kids, especially boys, would hurt her.  There was a popular boy in the school who talked to Love every day.  Love knew he was someone who was popular and she liked that he spent time with her.  Love told her father and grandfather about the one boy who was nice to her.  Love did not understand why her father and grandfather did not hold her close for a few months.  She noticed her pain below more these days and could not understand why she was made to turn around and not face them during their times together.

 The boy in school asked Love if he could see her.   Love felt torn about this since she knew how her father and grandfather felt about her seeing boys.  She wanted so much to be loved and held close again, so Love allowed this boy to kiss her and hold her hand in school.  Love’s father had begun to physically bet her for allowing herself to be taken advantage of by another boy right out for others to see.  Love could not understand what was wrong with her newfound fondness for this popular boy in school.  Her father told her such bad things such as he wished she were never born.  Her grandfather shared in this view and also used physical means to demonstrate his displeasure with her.  Love so wished that she could receive love from her father, grandfather, and new boy friend.

 Love became pregnant at age 14.  She was so afraid to tell her parents, so she confided in her grandfather.  He became very angry and threatened her that he was the only one who could love her that way.  He decided that he would teach her a lesson and raped her that evening.  Love was confused to why he hurt her body that night.  She so hoped to have him hold her close like he use to do, which made her feel so warm inside.  Grandfather threatened to hurt Love if she ever spoke of what had happened to her that night or of the times they had laid naked together.

 Love enjoyed spending times with her friends and some of the boys she met in school.  She lost the baby she was carrying when her father struck her in the stomach when her grandfather broke the news to him.  Love had a difficult time telling the authorities that she fell down the steps.  Love did not like her time with her father and grandfather.  She was 17 years old and did not like them lying on top of her any more. 

 Love enjoyed drinking beer and smoking marijuana with her friend.  This helped her to forget the fact that her father and grandfather hated her so much.  Love tried to figure out what she had done to cause them to hate her so much.  Her grandfather no loner wanted to see her.  He was diagnoses with cancer and was dying.  Love attempted many times to talk to her mother about her feelings but her mother just cried a lot.  Love had noticed bruises on her mother over the years.  Love knew that her mother needed to feel loved also, so she spent much of her time when at home consoling her.

 Love knew where her father kept the alcohol in the house.  He has stocked so much of it in the house; he never knew when she took some.  Love started to feel more alone in the world and was drinking alcohol every day to escape the pain she felt due to her not feeling loved.  Love decided that she would go and talk to a counselor at school.  She thought they could let her know what she was doing to make her family hate her so much.  Love saw the guidance counselor at school for the next 6 months.  She had attempted to get advice on how she could get her father and grandfather to forgive her.  Her counselor told her to quit getting in trouble by taking drugs and alcohol and having unprotected sex and that things would get better.  Love took this advice and tried to talk to her parents and grandfather about her new outlook on life.  Her grandfather passed away and her parents continued to act as they did in the past.  Her father stopped talking to her as well as spending time along with her.

 Love made her graduation. She had lost much of her interest in friends, family, and social activities.  She was turned on to crack cocaine at one of the graduation parties she attended.  She began to use crack daily.  Her parents kicked her out of her house shortly after graduation.  Love started to prostitute herself to survive on the street.  At the age of 21, Love died of an overdose of heroin.

Doubting the Obvious

By kruzman on Friday, March 19th, 2010 | No Comments

There is a phenomenon that I have observed in many of the people I have worked who have been hurt in traumatic ways or repeatedly over their lifetime.  This phenomenon is where victims begin to doubt the obvious.  How many children, who come from physical, emotional, or sexually abusive homes begin to doubt that the behavior of the abuser is wrong.  Even in the most blatant cases of physical and sexual abuse, the child begins to view their hurt assomething they have caused.  Over time, they either learn to dissociate from the abuse or end up acting act in ways that places the focus or blame on them.

 In the more subtle incidences, children receive negative messages from their caretakers that they are nuisances to be seen and not heard.  They are deprived of nurturing and affection when they demonstrate they have a need to be addressed.  In early childhood, these children begin to detach from others or demonstrate anger in response to their frustrations.  Many times, parents under stress begin to make their children feel responsible for their daily struggles of adulthood.  Children begin to feel the daily stress of an adult’s life without the coping skills to manage these adult themes.  Many families nurture their children well and take great care not to give their children negative messages.  With a growing number of single parent households and the higher expectations placed in the workplace, parents will have occasions when they take out their frustrations on their children.  There is also a substance abuse problem with adults, many of which have children.  The probability of abuse and hurt increases dramatically in these households where a parent is abusing drugs or alcohol.   If abuse of children occurs on a consistent basis with the parent not acknowledging their wrongful acts, their children will begin to internalize that they have acted in ways to cause their parent to be mad at them. 

We all know the paradox that exists for parents and their children.  Parents are getting older and feeling more fatigued as our children are gaining more momentum.  Placing children in front of televisions, computers, and video games have been a response to this paradox in many cases today.  This has been the children’s outlet for their school day and their interactions with others during the day.  This begins the cycle of children not being able to process their life and develop skills to manage their conflicts and hurts in and out of the home.  As they grow older to adolescence, they begin to feel more disconnected to their parents and begin to emulate the role models they choose for friends.  In many families I have worked as a therapist, I have observed a “tug of war” between the parent and child where many negative messages are shared back and forth.  The teenager, many times, is looking for answers to their life but only receive negative messages that they will not grow up to amount to anything.  Of course, parents say this out of anger and frustration; however, the adolescent does not know this statement is not true.  This is mostly the case in families where atonement and problem solving is not practiced.  Without the guidance from a responsible adult, many teenagers become very insecure and self-doubting.  They turn to their friends for support and comfort.  You probably know what can happen from there.  These families need to adopt a system for teaching and evaluating expectations of one another based on solid foundation of values and morals.  There must also be a process for hurts to be addressed and atoned for to create an environment that values responsibility, accountability, and reconciliation.

Related Blogs

    Think Before You Feel

    By kruzman on Tuesday, January 19th, 2010 | 3 Comments

    If virtues and morality are going to be part of a system of healing and understanding the truth for our children and ourselves, we must adopt a thinking mentality over a feeling one. If it feels “good”, you still need to think through the situation to properly assess if it is good or right. Children and adults must learn to look objectively at situations based upon the virtue categories of love, respect, and honesty to decide whether or not to behave in certain ways.

    Susan met Moses at a nightclub where they would dance for hours each Saturday night. He loved Susan from the first time he laid eyes on her and told her how he loved her shyness and nervousness around him. Moses was very outgoing and appeared very sure of himself. Susan admired Moses for being so sure of himself and for making her feel so good. He always wanted to hear about her past and promised her he would make everything all right. Moses always bought Susan flowers after she became upset with him. He had occasions when he would go out and drink all night or would hit her when she asked him to remain at the apartment they shared together rather than go out partying. Moses always threatened Susan that he would end up killing himself if he did not have her in his life. Susan felt so needed by Moses and knew she could help him find happiness. Susan received an engagement ring right one-week after she threatened to leave Moses. Susan told Moses that she was tired of being hit each time that she asked him to spend time with her. The one-carat diamond was so beautiful. Susan knew Moses loved her and that things would be better once they were married.

    Many factors contribute to how we behave. We base the way we act on how we think and feel. For those who have been hurt by others, they tend to base their responses to these events on how they feel about the person who hurt them. They, in turn, base their bad feelings as being part of who they are and not the person who has just hurt them. Another example of this regards persons who have been physically abused. Victims of abuse adopt feelings of fear and pain and consider themselves weak or inadequate based upon their feelings. Feeling bad about and placing blame on oneself begins to erode one’s self-esteem and self-worth. This makes this person more vulnerable to those who act in ways to make them feel good because this is what they are desperately seeking. The problem is that the person seeking to feel good is oblivious to the character and integrity of the person they are seeking this “feel good” situation. How many people who continuously become hurt by others emotionally, physically, or sexually continue to spend time with the same type of abusive people or become abusive themselves.

    I Love You To Death

    By kruzman on Friday, November 6th, 2009 | No Comments

    Scott is a seventeen-year-old boy who knew that he needed to be by his mother’s side in order to protect her from his father. His mother told him how much she loved him and needed him. Scott was a well-built boy who was popular in school. Many of the girls in his class liked him. He grew fond of one of the girls and asked her out on a date. Scott’s mother did not approve of him going out with the girl. She went to his father and stated that he needed to do something about his boy who wanted to have sex with girls.  Scott and his father got into a physical confrontation, resulting in Scott having to go to the hospital to get a cast put on his broken arm. Scott could not understand why his mother lied when the doctor asked how his arm was broken. Scott and his mother’s relationship improved once he stopped dating.

    Can you relate to Scott? Over time, children develop a dependency on their codependent parent to help them through their life. Their codependent parent’s need to be needed makes his relationship dysfunctional and filled with hurt. In many instances, hurt can result from the codependent parent’s attempts to keep the peace in the family. Over time, the only way a codependent parent can accomplish this is by being manipulative and controlling of relationships. He often controls these relationships by provoking the abusive parent to carry out undeserved punitive action to further promote the child’s dependency on the codependent
    parent.