Predictable is a good quality in a relationship. This may seem contrary to what you have been told by love experts. When do seeds of suspicion in a relationship emerge? When one begins to think, What’s up with my partner? Why is he doing that? He’s never done that before. That is so unlike him. He or she loses 30 pounds, buys a new wardrobe and comes home late from work. He changes his patterns. His behavior becomes unpredictable. Now you are starting to see the picture? Any movement away from predictable behavior can become suspect and trust can deteriorate. Focus on acting predictably if you need to build trust. Be consistent in what you do. This doesn’t mean you must be boring. If there is a twinkle in your eye and a dose of spontaneity every so often, for goodness sakes be spontaneous and fun loving.

Inform your significant other when you are changing your behavior patterns. Many of us work on becoming better or trying new things but forget to communicate this to our better half. No one goes through life the same person. We all make shifts and changes. Many times, we may be unaware of our inner self and where we are going. Those times may be very intense and we do some silly things or make some bad decisions. Life can get very crazy and unpredictable. Growth or change in an individual, marriage or family often is accompanied by a little chaos. Welcome these shifts, for there is a part of you searching for something better/different/richer/deeper, but for heaven’s sake, inform your partner of what you are experiencing. Say, “I really don’t know what is going on in me right now, but I’m moving in a different direction. Be a little patient with me while I figure this out. I might do some silly things, but my intent is not to harm you or scare you. Accept some of my wondering and wandering and please be there for me? I may need to run some of this by you every so often!”

Make sure your words match the message for a congruent message is what makes you credible. When your partner hears one thing in your words but your tone of voice, body language and facial expressions are really saying something else, you open the relationship to some drama. Which message is she to believe? This can waste a tremendous amount of energy and the result can be broken trust. Remember, I have blogged about honesty as a core virtue in a relationship. Trust is awareness of the intent beneath the obvious message and responding to that!

Believe the other person is competent and understanding. I hear this phrase very often: “But, I don’t want to hurt him.” First, you must develop the skill of direct communication and presenting the truth in a way that brings reconciliation and understanding. The truth is only as destructive as your behavior is becoming in the relationship.

Be very very careful of keeping secrets. If you both see the elephant in the room and don’t talk about it, the elephant takes up tremendous space in your relationship, metaphorically speaking. This is when the cold war starts in a relationship where couples find it more difficult to trust the messages of the other person. Secrets demand tremendous energy and erode trust. The relationship is doomed never to experience closeness and intimacy. This is why extramarital affairs are so damaging. She is not so much concerned about him having sex with someone else as she is about the betrayal, lack of trust, the secrets and deception that are crazy making and energy draining. Now, please. I’m not saying that you sit your partner down and divulge the 23 secrets of your illicit past behaviors. If you have resolved those, i.e. forgiven yourself, understand those behaviors, learned from them and were able to use them to make the internal shifts necessary for your personal development, they do not qualify as an elephant. Hopefully, in the course of growing intimacy in your relationship you may want to share some of those events as you disclose to your partner where you were and where you are now.

Let YOUR needs be known – Trust disintegrates under a blanket of quiet niceties. people are expressing their needs to total strangers on the internet rather than let their partner know what they want and need from the relationship. Start with your eyes focused on YOU. What do YOU need? Explore your personal need system. Dig beneath the surface. And then say to him: “I need…x, y and z. I would like to talk to you about them. I would like us to work out a way so my needs are met. Are you open to that?” He is empowered to say yes or no. Or, he may say, “What about my needs?” You respond, “I am very interested in hearing what is important to you, certainly.” Have you ever been around someone who stated clearly what they needed/wanted? Didn’t you respect that person? Because you knew where he stood, the interaction moved toward a trusting relationship.

State who YOU are – loudly. Quit being on autopilot, focusing on tasks, goals, accomplishments, problems and the external realities? Be concerned about what both of you are thinking, how both of you are responding to one another. Do not be reluctant to share your thoughts, values, and impressions or take a stand. This doesn’t destroy trust. But it doesn’t create it either. And, if you do take a stand it may serve the purpose of protecting you or entrenching you as you react against someone. This more often than not creates trust barriers. Take some time to reflect on your standards. What are your standards for a relationship? What standards do you hold for yourself? What is your life centered? What are the top values in your life? What are some themes that you live by? What are you known? Let significant people in your life know. They will respect you. They will know you more deeply. They will thank you for the opportunity to know you. They will see you as a person of character.

Learn to say NO! Sometimes you need to say NO! Often it is crucial to say NO! Saying NO sets boundaries around you that protects you from being hurt or venturing into territory that will be destructive to your heart and soul. Stop allowing others to drains energy and compromise your values. Do not allow the destructive behaviors of others to destroy you. If you fear that someone will hurt you and believe you have no recourse but to endure that hurt, fear will prevail. How can you trust when you are in fear? Saying NO, protecting yourself, sends a message to the other person that you will not live in fear. This usually triggers a response of respect from the other person. If the other person can not accept no, this is a warning signal that he or she is a destructive person.

Relationships of emotional investment, by their nature, bring trials, tribulations, fears, chaos, turmoil, change, stretching and growth. Act responsibly when faced with turmoil, upset, crisis, questions, and fears. The purpose of your relationship is not to make you happy at all times. Do you realize this? Happiness may be an outcome, but your other is given to you to move you to where you really want to be. Obstacles, trials and moments of pain are given as lessons on which you intentionally write the script of your life individually and together. Embrace the difficult. Trust that in this embracing you will find more of your true self. Trust that you have the internal resources and capacity to face what you and your significant other are to face. Once you are able to believe and trust that you both can journey through life’s ups and downs together in a meaningful way, you will find the true significance to a healthy relationship filled with love, respect, and honesty.