Doubting the Obvious
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There is a phenomenon that I have observed in many of the people I have worked who have been hurt in traumatic ways or repeatedly over their lifetime. This phenomenon is where victims begin to doubt the obvious. How many children, who come from physical, emotional, or sexually abusive homes begin to doubt that the behavior of the abuser is wrong. Even in the most blatant cases of physical and sexual abuse, the child begins to view their hurt assomething they have caused. Over time, they either learn to dissociate from the abuse or end up acting act in ways that places the focus or blame on them.
In the more subtle incidences, children receive negative messages from their caretakers that they are nuisances to be seen and not heard. They are deprived of nurturing and affection when they demonstrate they have a need to be addressed. In early childhood, these children begin to detach from others or demonstrate anger in response to their frustrations. Many times, parents under stress begin to make their children feel responsible for their daily struggles of adulthood. Children begin to feel the daily stress of an adult’s life without the coping skills to manage these adult themes. Many families nurture their children well and take great care not to give their children negative messages. With a growing number of single parent households and the higher expectations placed in the workplace, parents will have occasions when they take out their frustrations on their children. There is also a substance abuse problem with adults, many of which have children. The probability of abuse and hurt increases dramatically in these households where a parent is abusing drugs or alcohol. If abuse of children occurs on a consistent basis with the parent not acknowledging their wrongful acts, their children will begin to internalize that they have acted in ways to cause their parent to be mad at them.
We all know the paradox that exists for parents and their children. Parents are getting older and feeling more fatigued as our children are gaining more momentum. Placing children in front of televisions, computers, and video games have been a response to this paradox in many cases today. This has been the children’s outlet for their school day and their interactions with others during the day. This begins the cycle of children not being able to process their life and develop skills to manage their conflicts and hurts in and out of the home. As they grow older to adolescence, they begin to feel more disconnected to their parents and begin to emulate the role models they choose for friends. In many families I have worked as a therapist, I have observed a “tug of war” between the parent and child where many negative messages are shared back and forth. The teenager, many times, is looking for answers to their life but only receive negative messages that they will not grow up to amount to anything. Of course, parents say this out of anger and frustration; however, the adolescent does not know this statement is not true. This is mostly the case in families where atonement and problem solving is not practiced. Without the guidance from a responsible adult, many teenagers become very insecure and self-doubting. They turn to their friends for support and comfort. You probably know what can happen from there. These families need to adopt a system for teaching and evaluating expectations of one another based on solid foundation of values and morals. There must also be a process for hurts to be addressed and atoned for to create an environment that values responsibility, accountability, and reconciliation.