Negative Messages
How did your experiences with a parent contribute to your
way of thinking today? Some people receive many negative messages throughout their childhood. Those who received negative
messages as children develop irrational thought processes that
carry over into their adult life. Edmund J. Bourne, Ph.D. wrote
about the childhood origins of anxiety disorders in his book, The
Anxiety & Phobia Workbook. He postulated that children who
grow up with critical parents who are perfectionists will experience self-doubt about whether they are “good enough” or are
“sufficiently worthy.” He reported that these children grow up
feeling insecure and become dependent on safety. Many of these
children grow up to become perfectionists later in life. Are you
driving yourself or another person to be perfect in your relationship? The high expectation of perfection is irrational for anyone
in a relationship. Can you be perfect? You live in a world that
reinforces high standards and achievement. Can your relationship work with this same philosophy? The perfectionist contributes to the hurt in a relationship through critical statements and blame. A person’s critical behaviors represent another subtle kind of hurt in a relationship, which can go unrecognized by
the criticizer.
Alanis Morissette’s song, “Perfect,” depicts the irrational
thoughts of perfectionists.
Sometimes is never quite enough
If you’re flawless, then you’ll win my love
Don’t forget to win first place
Don’t forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You’ve got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You’ve gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn’t good enough
To make us proud
I’ll live through you
I’ll make you what I never was
If you’re the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I’m doing this for your own damn good
You’ll make up for what I blew
What’s the problem… why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn’t fast enough
To make us happy
We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect
Other negative messages may consist of the child not feeling
loved and respected. Can you remember the times you were made
to feel hated or disrespected by a parent? Did a parent consistently lie to you? Did your parent have a favorite child? Were you
blamed for your parents’ problems in their marriage? Did you
think you were the cause of a parent’s hate or disrespect toward
you?
