The virtue of honesty

The virtue of honesty is seen in a person’s ability to take
responsibility for his own thoughts, feelings, and behavior. You
can engage in a variety of atoning acts in order to express your sorrow for those times when you did not meet the behavioral expectations. When you resolve problems through the behavioral expectations outlined above, you will be able to atone for the hurt you may have caused in a relationship.

Negotiating terms and following through with commitments
will be important skills to develop in your adolescent stage of life. The following is an example of how an adolescent would demonstrate and evaluate the virtues discussed.

Keeping Commitments

Rachel is a sixteen-year-old girl who wants to spend more time with her friends. She wants to frequent the mall with her friends, go to parties, and drive her friends to restaurants, the movies, and other teenage hangouts. Rachel’s parents have negotiated behavioral expectations in the areas of love, respect, and honesty. Rachel is asked to evaluate her behavior each day and atone for behavioral expectations she has not followed. The following is the dialogue between Rachel and her parents, and the atonement, which serves as the “tugging of the rope” when
Rachel falls short of the expectations.

Mother: Rachel, you came in one hour past your curfew last night. This was a time we negotiated, and you agreed to follow it. What were you doing for the one hour when
you were late?

Rachel: My friends and I were watching a great movie at Janie’s house, and I did not want to be the only person who left. Your rules are too strict!

Father: You are blaming us for the curfew rule when you were part of the decision-making for this rule. Whose problem is this?

Rachel: Okay, it’s mine, but I was only watching a movie at my girlfriend’s house.

Mother: Why do you think we are really questioning this?

Rachel: You tell me. I do not see the big deal here.

Mother: Part of gaining trust so that you can do all the activities you want to do is following commitments that you make.

Father: So, what was the problem in this case?

Rachel: I did not follow the rules that I agreed to.

Father: What can you do to show us you can be trusted to follow through with commitments you make?

Rachel: I will be in early one hour each day for the next week.

Mother: That is a good way to show us that you are sorry and that you understand the importance of an honest relationship with us.

Father: Let’s talk about the other expectations that you have met this day. You have really considered our views and have been complimentary of your mother’s work.


One week later…

Rachel: I was able to be in one hour early each day this week. I enjoyed the time at home, got caught up on some extra-credit work for school, and was able to organize my bedroom.

Mother: I really appreciate your honesty and your being able to meet your commitments.

Father: Rachel, you have also showed many acts this past day that have really showed me you are respecting and loving others. Can you review these with us?

Rachel: I spent time with Mrs. Wilson today. She really enjoys when I read to her. I really see how her blindness has changed her priorities in the world. I was able to take some of my clothes to the Goodwill today. I had a hard time doing this cause I love my stuff. I got some help in school from someone that I have avoided. She is so smart, and I let her know how much I needed her help in physics. I also asked my boss for help at the restaurant. He was happy to spend time with me to show me how to use the cash register.

Mother: I know I was too hard on you today when you came home from school. I should not take out my anger on you when I get behind in my work. I will make sure that you and I go to one of your favorite places tomorrow.

Father: Since you have showed a willingness to stick to your commitments, your mother and I have decided to let you take the car to the movies with your friends. We will need to negotiate the terms of this new experience. Can you come up with any terms?

Rachel: I will drive to the movies and come straight home after the movie is over.

Mother: That sounds like responsible terms. If this works out, we will discuss other ways you can start to experience the other activities you have said you would like to do.

For many people, the act of problem-solving and reconciliation is difficult. From the time when they were very young, they have stayed away from people with whom they are in conflict. These people are taught to avoid tough situations that may provoke intense emotions because there will be opposing views. They are taught a type of learned helplessness, avoidance, and codependency. Many people in this developmental stage will want to be liked more than respected, so they will not share their
honest views with others. Do you give in to peer pressure and the expectations of others when your morality is challenged?

Divorce - learn to get past what you hear

Divorce teaches a person many things. Some people travel to places in their minds that makes them bitter. People lose many things physically, emotionally and spiritually in divorces if they do not find the right approach to moving forward. A person will lose a piece of himself or herself through the process of divorce. You can also make gains through the losses if you remain focused and rational through this painful time. Although this may seem close to impossible, you can bring yourself back to center if you learn to continue to serve others and show love.

One the most important lessons that you will learn from divorce is that you are stronger than you think. By surviving the humiliation, losses and stress brought on by divorce , you will become a stronger person. It will enable you to handle situations that you normally wouldn't attempt to manage.

You will also learn to appreciate your friends. You know when you have a true friend because you will never be alone in your times of need. Your friends will always have your back in everything that you do. You will also find that your friends are a good source of strength along with your faith. They will encourage you to be better and they will encourage you to have goals and reach for them. Divorce will also help you to differentiate what friends are the real deal. You will be able to tell the difference between an true friend or a friend that is more like an acquaintance.

Remember to keep your sense of humor and your faith that your positive actions and love will come back to you. Try not to remain bitter and angry. This will only keep others away in a time when you need people the most. In the end, you will be remembered more for what you gave back than for who you married or divorced.

The Truth about Lying

Honesty and dishonesty are learned in the home. Parents are often concerned when their child or adolescent lies.

Young children often make up stories and tell tall tales. This is normal activity because they enjoy hearing stories and making up stories for fun. These young children may blur the distinction between reality and fantasy. This is probably more a result of an active imagination than an attempt to deliberately lie about something.

An older child or adolescent may tell a lie to be self-serving, such as denying responsibility or to try and get out of a chore or task. Parents should respond to isolated instances of lying by talking with the youngster about the importance of truthfulness, honesty and trust.

Some adolescents discover that lying may be considered acceptable in certain situations such as not telling a boyfriend or girlfriend the real reasons for breaking up because they don't want to hurt their feelings. Other adolescents may lie to protect their privacy or to help them feel psychologically separate and independent from their parents.

Parents are the most important role models for their children. When a child or adolescent lies, parents should take some time to have a serious talk and discuss the difference between make believe and reality, and lying and telling the truth. They should open an honest line of communication to find out exactly why the child chose to tell a lie, and to discuss alternatives to lying. A parent should lead by example and never lie, and when they are caught in a lie, express remorse and regret for making a conscious decision to tell a lie. Clear, understandable consequences for lying should be discussed with the child early on.

However, some forms of lying are cause for concern, and might indicate an underlying emotional problem. Some children, who know the difference between truthfulness and lying, tell elaborate stories which appear believable. Children or adolescents usually relate these stories with enthusiasm because they receive a lot of attention as they tell the lie.

Other children or adolescents, who otherwise seem responsible, fall into a pattern of repetitive lying. They often feel that lying is the easiest way to deal with the demands of parents, teachers and friends. These children are usually not trying to be bad or malicious but the repetitive pattern of lying becomes a bad habit. A serious repetitive pattern of lying should be cause for concern. Consult a professional adolescent or child psychologist to find out whether help is needed.