The virtue of honesty

The virtue of honesty is seen in a person’s ability to take
responsibility for his own thoughts, feelings, and behavior. You
can engage in a variety of atoning acts in order to express your sorrow for those times when you did not meet the behavioral expectations. When you resolve problems through the behavioral expectations outlined above, you will be able to atone for the hurt you may have caused in a relationship.

Negotiating terms and following through with commitments
will be important skills to develop in your adolescent stage of life. The following is an example of how an adolescent would demonstrate and evaluate the virtues discussed.

Keeping Commitments

Rachel is a sixteen-year-old girl who wants to spend more time with her friends. She wants to frequent the mall with her friends, go to parties, and drive her friends to restaurants, the movies, and other teenage hangouts. Rachel’s parents have negotiated behavioral expectations in the areas of love, respect, and honesty. Rachel is asked to evaluate her behavior each day and atone for behavioral expectations she has not followed. The following is the dialogue between Rachel and her parents, and the atonement, which serves as the “tugging of the rope” when
Rachel falls short of the expectations.

Mother: Rachel, you came in one hour past your curfew last night. This was a time we negotiated, and you agreed to follow it. What were you doing for the one hour when
you were late?

Rachel: My friends and I were watching a great movie at Janie’s house, and I did not want to be the only person who left. Your rules are too strict!

Father: You are blaming us for the curfew rule when you were part of the decision-making for this rule. Whose problem is this?

Rachel: Okay, it’s mine, but I was only watching a movie at my girlfriend’s house.

Mother: Why do you think we are really questioning this?

Rachel: You tell me. I do not see the big deal here.

Mother: Part of gaining trust so that you can do all the activities you want to do is following commitments that you make.

Father: So, what was the problem in this case?

Rachel: I did not follow the rules that I agreed to.

Father: What can you do to show us you can be trusted to follow through with commitments you make?

Rachel: I will be in early one hour each day for the next week.

Mother: That is a good way to show us that you are sorry and that you understand the importance of an honest relationship with us.

Father: Let’s talk about the other expectations that you have met this day. You have really considered our views and have been complimentary of your mother’s work.


One week later…

Rachel: I was able to be in one hour early each day this week. I enjoyed the time at home, got caught up on some extra-credit work for school, and was able to organize my bedroom.

Mother: I really appreciate your honesty and your being able to meet your commitments.

Father: Rachel, you have also showed many acts this past day that have really showed me you are respecting and loving others. Can you review these with us?

Rachel: I spent time with Mrs. Wilson today. She really enjoys when I read to her. I really see how her blindness has changed her priorities in the world. I was able to take some of my clothes to the Goodwill today. I had a hard time doing this cause I love my stuff. I got some help in school from someone that I have avoided. She is so smart, and I let her know how much I needed her help in physics. I also asked my boss for help at the restaurant. He was happy to spend time with me to show me how to use the cash register.

Mother: I know I was too hard on you today when you came home from school. I should not take out my anger on you when I get behind in my work. I will make sure that you and I go to one of your favorite places tomorrow.

Father: Since you have showed a willingness to stick to your commitments, your mother and I have decided to let you take the car to the movies with your friends. We will need to negotiate the terms of this new experience. Can you come up with any terms?

Rachel: I will drive to the movies and come straight home after the movie is over.

Mother: That sounds like responsible terms. If this works out, we will discuss other ways you can start to experience the other activities you have said you would like to do.

For many people, the act of problem-solving and reconciliation is difficult. From the time when they were very young, they have stayed away from people with whom they are in conflict. These people are taught to avoid tough situations that may provoke intense emotions because there will be opposing views. They are taught a type of learned helplessness, avoidance, and codependency. Many people in this developmental stage will want to be liked more than respected, so they will not share their
honest views with others. Do you give in to peer pressure and the expectations of others when your morality is challenged?

The Importance of a Regular Routine to your Child

Regular schedules and rituals provide your child's day with a structure that helps them remain emotionally regulated. Although predictability can be tiresome for adults, children thrive on repetition and routine. Schedules begin from the first days of life. Babies, especially, need regular sleep and meal programs and even routines leading up to those activities. Morning, noon , lunch, and bedtime rituals help children to develop positive life skills and time to evaluate how things are going in their lives.

As they get older, a child knows what the family expectations are and how to think and feel more independently, along with feeling more safe and secure. A disrupted routine can occur to help older children adapt to change but constant change for a child can cause them to feel insecure and irritable.

Dinnertime is a great place to start setting a routine. Sitting together at the dinner table gives children the opportunity to share their day and talk about their feelings. This is also a great time to include some responsibility in your child's routine, such as helping to set or clear the table.

And regardless of how exhausted you or your children may be, don't be tempted to skip winding down from the day. This is part of a nighttime ritual allows both child and parent to decompress after a busy day. It also helps bedtime go more smoothly. This is usually the time of day when parent and child can spend some quality time together, so fight the urge to start the laundry, watch television or do the dishes until after the child has gone to bed. If this isn't possible, consider trading off these duties with your spouse each night to ensure your child has quality time with each parent on a regular basis. Take the time to find out what wind-down strategy works best for your child. Whatever routine you settle on, make it quiet, relaxing, and tranquil for everyone.

Present a Unified Parental Front When Disciplining your Child

Disciplining your child is never easy. You probably know from experience and mistakes how important it is to act in a consistent, firm way while always following through with natural consequences. But when two parents are involved, you both play a crucial role and need to be on the same page and apply discipline consistently. This also applies regardless of marital status.

Parents should agree on how to discipline their children. To become credible to children, both parents must be consistent in dealing with similar situations. There are way too many situation where the parents are separated or divorced and allow their personal agendas to impose inconsistent discipline styles where one or both parents attempt to win over the favor of the children. In the end, the inconsistent parenting creates anxiety and frustrations in the children, which results in acting out behaviors. Parents should make a concerted effort to keep their child's best interests at heart at all times and sit down with their children and clearly define the rules and expectations and the consequences for violating these rules. Both should agree that the intended discipline is fair, and apply it consistently in a firm yet fair manner in each home.

In addition, if there are disagreements regarding discipline or other parenting issues, they are best resolved when the child is not present. If the child senses discord, they may attempt to manipulate the situation to their advantage or may withdraw from each of the parents. In either case, your actions contributed to your child's distress in an already stressful situation.

When teaching good behavior, parents should "practice what they preach." Children learn values and beliefs more by examples set by adults more than by verbal instructions. Screaming at a child to be quiet or paddling a child for hitting is hypocritical and ineffective. Decide what is important and what parental response to use to teach your child. It would be more effective to calmly tell your child to be quiet or use calm messages when your child is physically aggressive.

You always want to note what works now does not work. The more that you remain involved in open and consistent communication with the children and with your ex, the more significant you will remain with your children. Children act out when they feel that their environment is out of control and does not make sense. Regardless of the situation, parents should always present a unified front and work together in caring for the most important people in any separation or divorce; the children.

Anger Management for Teen Children

The teenage years are crucial in the growth of children. Unfortunately these are the years where children experience some of their most challenging encounters. This particular period in a child's life can take them down many paths, some of them not so pleasant. Teens who are forced to deal with upsetting circumstances often lash out when ill-prepared to manage problem issues. Developing a reckless attitude occurs in many teenagers. When teens turn to emotions of anger and begin to act out, it might be time to develop anger management skills in teen children.

As a teenager, trying to cope with the diverse situations which continuously present themselves can be emotionally strenuous. This strain unleashes many thoughts and feelings including anger. Anger is a natural response when somebody pushes a person's buttons. However, what the person chooses to do with those feelings makes the difference. Anger management for teens teaches self-awareness and self-control. Anger is an extremely powerful emotion. If dealt with incorrectly, anger can cause actions or reactions which are very hurtful and painful. Learning to deal with these emotions at a young age will definitely affect adult life. It is essential to seek anger management for teen children when there is evidence of anger issues.

Handling anger is all about empowerment, being capable of accessing the situation and making positive decisions rather than acting on impulse. It is easy to lash out at the first sign of opposition but it takes self-control to act in a sensible and logical manner. This may seem to be a lot to expect of teens but if approached in the right way, it can be accomplished. This may require one-on-one counseling, support group meetings or skill building by parents that have learned ways to solve problems rationally and productively. The method for success is important however, the end result is what really matters.

Teaching a teenager, self-awareness as part of anger management for teen children, requires teaching the individual that they have the ability to evaluate situations which make them angry. Encouraging the teen to take notice of their feelings during irritating incidents is essential in anger management for teen children. Helping them to understand the importance of thinking during an actual confrontational encounter will make a difference. Teens also will need to become aware of the physical manifestations of anger. As their bodies heat up and tense, they can begin to recognize these signs as a warning to enact their problem solving skills.

A teenager who is quick to anger also needs lessons in self-control. It is one thing to evaluate the upsetting situation but the self-control factors into the teenager's reaction. Teaching teen children to think before they act is imperative in anger management for teen children. Encouraging them to stop and think, take a few seconds between their initial feelings of anger and their reaction will certainly produce positive results.

Self-awareness and self-control go hand in hand when involved in a provoking situation. Anger management for teen children teaches the individual to evaluate their emotions, the situation and the actual reasons for the opposition. Taking a few seconds to mull these thoughts over in their mind will have an impact on their action or reaction. Dealing with teenagers who have anger problems can be a challenge but there are many resources available regarding anger management for teen children. The Internet is a great source or information regarding this subject. The process of teaching anger management strategies to teens may be a battle but the rewards are worth the effort. If the challenge means a teenager is prevented from harm and pain, it is definitely worth it.

The Truth about Lying

Honesty and dishonesty are learned in the home. Parents are often concerned when their child or adolescent lies.

Young children often make up stories and tell tall tales. This is normal activity because they enjoy hearing stories and making up stories for fun. These young children may blur the distinction between reality and fantasy. This is probably more a result of an active imagination than an attempt to deliberately lie about something.

An older child or adolescent may tell a lie to be self-serving, such as denying responsibility or to try and get out of a chore or task. Parents should respond to isolated instances of lying by talking with the youngster about the importance of truthfulness, honesty and trust.

Some adolescents discover that lying may be considered acceptable in certain situations such as not telling a boyfriend or girlfriend the real reasons for breaking up because they don't want to hurt their feelings. Other adolescents may lie to protect their privacy or to help them feel psychologically separate and independent from their parents.

Parents are the most important role models for their children. When a child or adolescent lies, parents should take some time to have a serious talk and discuss the difference between make believe and reality, and lying and telling the truth. They should open an honest line of communication to find out exactly why the child chose to tell a lie, and to discuss alternatives to lying. A parent should lead by example and never lie, and when they are caught in a lie, express remorse and regret for making a conscious decision to tell a lie. Clear, understandable consequences for lying should be discussed with the child early on.

However, some forms of lying are cause for concern, and might indicate an underlying emotional problem. Some children, who know the difference between truthfulness and lying, tell elaborate stories which appear believable. Children or adolescents usually relate these stories with enthusiasm because they receive a lot of attention as they tell the lie.

Other children or adolescents, who otherwise seem responsible, fall into a pattern of repetitive lying. They often feel that lying is the easiest way to deal with the demands of parents, teachers and friends. These children are usually not trying to be bad or malicious but the repetitive pattern of lying becomes a bad habit. A serious repetitive pattern of lying should be cause for concern. Consult a professional adolescent or child psychologist to find out whether help is needed.

Teach Children to Respect by Treating them with Respect

In order to teach or child to treat others with respect and dignity, they must also be treated that way. And childhood is a time for children to learn about the world, including how to get along with others. Parents play an essential role in teaching children how to form healthy relationships and grow into socially adept individuals. This social competence allows children to be cooperative and generous, express their feelings, and empathize with others.

The most effective way to teach children this lesson is by modeling the behavior you want to encourage. Every time you say "please" or lend a helping hand, you are showing your children how you would like them to act. Ask for your children's help with daily tasks, and accept their offers of help. Praise your child's good behavior and traits often, and help them realize how good it feels inside to do a good deed or be generous with another person.

Socially competent children are ones who have a strong sense of self worth and importance. When a child feels good about themselves, it's easy for them to treat others in a positive, helpful manner.

Encourage acts of generosity through sharing and cooperation. Let your child know when it's someone else's turn with a toy or on the swing and praise their ability to recognize this on their own. Thank them for being polite and respectful and for sharing and cooperating.

Children know from their own experiences that words can hurt, and that name-calling, teasing, or excluding others affects how people feel. Children want to be treated fairly, but they don't always understand how to treat others the same way. One way to teach fairness is to explain a rule to your child, pointing out that it applies to him as well as to others.