Relationship Boundaries

Boundaries can be defined as borders or limits that can be imposed in physical, sexual, or emotional forms. If a person has been hurt traumatically or repeatedly over time, he would have experienced a violation of these boundaries. This can contribute to his inability to trust another person. A person with a mental or developmental disability would also experience problems understanding the concept of boundaries. As I have mentioned in my book, I'm Sorry, disabilities and trauma are factors that contribute to a person’s irrational thinking. In turn, he may have trouble differentiating among the various types of relationships. He might see everyone as untrustworthy, or he may view them as trustworthy without any rational basis for this determination.

In healthy development, you will determine a person’s trustworthiness based on his or her ability to demonstrate love, respect, and honesty toward you. After determining that the person can be trusted, you will then allow a nurturing relationship to develop. Do you allow the person with whom you are involved in an intimate relationship to take care of your emotional and physical needs? Can you become vulnerable to someone once you have determined that you can trust him? Do you have to be in control at all times? Many people who have been hurt as children grow up with the irrational thought either that they must be in control at all times or that they cannot control anything in their lives.

Boundaries can be established with another person by changing the frequency of contact, the content of the disclosures during contact, and the physical and sexual distances created. Without boundaries, a person can lose the ability to protect himself in physical, sexual, and emotional ways. Relationships can fall under several categories: intimate, friend, acquaintance, or stranger. Intimate relationships can include friends. Intimates are those persons with whom you frequently have contact, disclose personal information during contacts, and experience close physical, emotional, or sexual contact. These relationships take much work to maintain and should be with people with whom you want to spend the majority of your time. Remember, however, that physical and emotional closeness is not to be confused with sexuality. You can have intimate friends whom you allow to come close to you in physical yet non-sexual ways.

Acquaintances are persons whom you have seen before but with whom you choose not to pursue contact, other than running into them in community places or at work. This type of relationship can consist of people you see often but have not chosen to share any extra time with or to disclose any information other than current events, publicly known information, or work-related information. Strangers are those people not known to you. In relationships with acquaintances or strangers, the frequency of
contact, the type of disclosure, and the degree of physical, emotional, and sexual closeness have an impact. You would maintain a personal boundary with acquaintances and strangers by minimizing your personal contact, refraining from making personal disclosures, and not becoming physically, sexually, or emotionally involved with them.

As you develop behavioral expectations in the three virtue categories, you may discover that you have intimate relationships from which you need to distance yourself because those people are continually hurting you and yet not atoning for that hurt. In this stage of development, it is important to put your trust in an absolute standard. Once you understand how the virtues operate in each developmental stage, you will be better equipped to assess whether trust can be established in your relationship.

Is It All Over When We Die

Why do you think that you fear during times when you are feel that some elements of life are beyond your control? Why does greed, selfishness, and instant gratification grip many of us during times of crisis and uncertainty? We may be moving away from what has grounded generations of people in the history of human existence; the belief that there is life after death.

The emptiness of relationships grows as couples lose site that there is life after death and buy into the "live for today" as if there is "no tomorrow" mentality. More and more couples are forgoing common sense approaches to living out lives together for getting what they want when they want it. The downward spinning economy has exposed many of them, yet they blame many for their lives when they can really only blame themselves.

I have written about love, respect, and honesty being the foundation of human relationships. Personal responsibility is the foundation for these virtues as we atone for our wrongs and correct our life's course. Has anyone ever sustained happiness from their added possessions? Has Hollywood not taught each of us this lesson? I am not saying that possessions are bad and that we should not achieve. Achieving possessions should not be the driving force in relationships, as this can lead to self-inflicted stress and crises. As couples learn to live within their means, they can focus on acting in loving and respectful ways to one another and others.

Morality and God are major forces for people to act in the best interest of others. The relationships that remain healthy and positive believe in absolute good and bad and take responsibility to live life from absolute codes of conduct. This does not mean that we all will not hurt others in the process. The difference will be the actions we take to make amends and try get back on the right path.

A pastor I once knew told me that in the end, whether there is a God or not, following this path will help you to live your life to the fullest and make you the happiest. Believing in life after death will help you live life better each day!

Bringing Values Back to Relationships

As society moves as the speed of light, many are caught up in the rat race. People are literally walking over others to obtain the big screen television during holiday sales. As society becomes more self-absorbed, and possessions provide others more meaning than human beings, is there any wonder why relationships cannot be sustained or remain our priority.

I have written on the subject of virtues and truly believe that love, respect, and honesty are the essential virtues to help keep us grounded in what is important when we make contact with others. Making amends is also a key element during those times we get selfish and fail to follow these virtues. If we as a society continue to roll over others to get what we want and role model this to our children, our country will begin to decline and our best days will not be realized as a people.

We need to slow our pace down when we interact with another person to ensure that we are committed in showing kindness, respect, and honesty during this interaction. If we all took this time to ensure a positive experience with all persons we come in contact, we could start a trend that would change our country and give us the meaning in our life that many of us have yet to find.

The virtue of honesty

The virtue of honesty is seen in a person’s ability to take
responsibility for his own thoughts, feelings, and behavior. You
can engage in a variety of atoning acts in order to express your sorrow for those times when you did not meet the behavioral expectations. When you resolve problems through the behavioral expectations outlined above, you will be able to atone for the hurt you may have caused in a relationship.

Negotiating terms and following through with commitments
will be important skills to develop in your adolescent stage of life. The following is an example of how an adolescent would demonstrate and evaluate the virtues discussed.

Keeping Commitments

Rachel is a sixteen-year-old girl who wants to spend more time with her friends. She wants to frequent the mall with her friends, go to parties, and drive her friends to restaurants, the movies, and other teenage hangouts. Rachel’s parents have negotiated behavioral expectations in the areas of love, respect, and honesty. Rachel is asked to evaluate her behavior each day and atone for behavioral expectations she has not followed. The following is the dialogue between Rachel and her parents, and the atonement, which serves as the “tugging of the rope” when
Rachel falls short of the expectations.

Mother: Rachel, you came in one hour past your curfew last night. This was a time we negotiated, and you agreed to follow it. What were you doing for the one hour when
you were late?

Rachel: My friends and I were watching a great movie at Janie’s house, and I did not want to be the only person who left. Your rules are too strict!

Father: You are blaming us for the curfew rule when you were part of the decision-making for this rule. Whose problem is this?

Rachel: Okay, it’s mine, but I was only watching a movie at my girlfriend’s house.

Mother: Why do you think we are really questioning this?

Rachel: You tell me. I do not see the big deal here.

Mother: Part of gaining trust so that you can do all the activities you want to do is following commitments that you make.

Father: So, what was the problem in this case?

Rachel: I did not follow the rules that I agreed to.

Father: What can you do to show us you can be trusted to follow through with commitments you make?

Rachel: I will be in early one hour each day for the next week.

Mother: That is a good way to show us that you are sorry and that you understand the importance of an honest relationship with us.

Father: Let’s talk about the other expectations that you have met this day. You have really considered our views and have been complimentary of your mother’s work.


One week later…

Rachel: I was able to be in one hour early each day this week. I enjoyed the time at home, got caught up on some extra-credit work for school, and was able to organize my bedroom.

Mother: I really appreciate your honesty and your being able to meet your commitments.

Father: Rachel, you have also showed many acts this past day that have really showed me you are respecting and loving others. Can you review these with us?

Rachel: I spent time with Mrs. Wilson today. She really enjoys when I read to her. I really see how her blindness has changed her priorities in the world. I was able to take some of my clothes to the Goodwill today. I had a hard time doing this cause I love my stuff. I got some help in school from someone that I have avoided. She is so smart, and I let her know how much I needed her help in physics. I also asked my boss for help at the restaurant. He was happy to spend time with me to show me how to use the cash register.

Mother: I know I was too hard on you today when you came home from school. I should not take out my anger on you when I get behind in my work. I will make sure that you and I go to one of your favorite places tomorrow.

Father: Since you have showed a willingness to stick to your commitments, your mother and I have decided to let you take the car to the movies with your friends. We will need to negotiate the terms of this new experience. Can you come up with any terms?

Rachel: I will drive to the movies and come straight home after the movie is over.

Mother: That sounds like responsible terms. If this works out, we will discuss other ways you can start to experience the other activities you have said you would like to do.

For many people, the act of problem-solving and reconciliation is difficult. From the time when they were very young, they have stayed away from people with whom they are in conflict. These people are taught to avoid tough situations that may provoke intense emotions because there will be opposing views. They are taught a type of learned helplessness, avoidance, and codependency. Many people in this developmental stage will want to be liked more than respected, so they will not share their
honest views with others. Do you give in to peer pressure and the expectations of others when your morality is challenged?

Virtues and Atonement

When a person is born, he or she possesses a developmental need for trust in his or her relationship with a parent or caretaker. This person relies solely on a parent to care for his or her physical, social, and emotional needs. Although this person does not remember his or her first year of life, he or she will know by adulthood if he or she experiences difficulties trusting others. Are you suspicious of the person in your relationship? What do you base your suspicions? Have you trusted someone that later took advantage of your confidence? Many persons that have been physically, sexually, or emotionally abused as children lose their ability to determine those persons that they can trust. This also can be said for persons that suffer from serious mental and developmental disabilities. Although these people may have gone through their first year of life and received the nurturing necessary to meet this milestone, a disability or the trauma of abuse and neglect later in their lives delayed their development.

Before behavioral expectations can be developed in this stage, a person will need to learn about the concept of personal boundaries. Boundaries can be defined as borders or limits that can be imposed in physical, sexual, or emotional forms. If a person has been hurt traumatically or repeatedly over time, he or she would have experienced a violation of these boundaries. This can contribute to his or her inability to trust another person. A person with a mental or developmental disability would also experience problems understanding the concept of boundaries. As mentioned, disabilities and trauma are factors that contribute to a person’s irrational thinking. In turn, he or she would not know how to differentiate among the different types of relationships. He or she would either view all persons as untrustworthy or trustworthy without any rational basis for this determination. In this stage of development, the person will initially determine if the other person is trustworthy based upon the other person’s ability to demonstrate love, respect, and honesty to him or her. After determining the person can be trusted, he or she will allow for a nurturing relationship to develop. Do you allow a person that you are involved in an intimate relationship to take care of your emotional and physical needs? Can you become vulnerable to someone that you can trust? Do you have to be in control at all times? Many people who have been hurt as children grow up with the irrational thoughts that they either must be in control at all times or that they cannot control anything in their lives.

Boundaries can be established with another person by changing the frequency of contact, the content of the disclosures during contact, and the physical and sexual distances created. Without boundaries, a person can lose the ability to protect him or herself in physical, sexual, and emotional ways. A relationship can be categorized as intimate, friend, acquaintance, or stranger. Intimate relationships can include friends. Intimates are those persons that you frequently have contact, disclose personal information during contacts, and come in close physical, emotional or sexual contact. These relationships take much work to maintain and should be with people that you want to spend the majority of your time. Physical and emotional closeness is not to be confused with sexuality. You can have intimate friends that you allow to come close to you in physical yet non-sexual ways.

Acquaintances are persons that you have seen before but you choose not to pursue contact other than those times you run into them in community places or work. This type of a relationship can consist of people you see often, but have not chosen to share any extra time or to disclose any information other than current events, publicly known information, or work related information. Strangers are those people not known to you. In each of these two types of relationships, the frequency of contact, type of disclosure, and physical, emotional, and sexual closeness is impacted. You would keep a personal boundary with acquaintances and strangers by minimizing your personal contact, refraining from making personal disclosures, and not becoming physically, sexually, or emotionally involved.

During your development of behavioral expectations in the virtue areas of love, respect, and honesty, a person may discover that he or she has intimate relationships that he or she may need to distance from due to continuous hurtful acts in the relationship that are not atoned. The important part of this stage of a person’s development is to base his or her trust on an absolute standard. Once a person understands these virtues in all developmental stages, he or she will be better equipped to assess whether trust can be established in his or her relationship.

What can you do to allow for your trust to develop in your relationship? You have determined that this is a person that you want to be close to and share intimacy. How can you make yourself more vulnerable to this person? A person can experience hurt in a relationship when the other person does not expose his or her vulnerable side. The person becomes vulnerable when he or she shares his or her insecurities, fears, hopes, dreams, and need for the other person. Using the virtues in this development stage, a person will accept the other person in his or her relationship demonstration of love, respect, and honesty to him or her. The person on the receiving end will be asked to share his or her thoughts and feelings about the other person’s actions.

To demonstrate love, the person that is developing trust can allow the other person to come in close physical contact with him or her while enjoying the feeling of closeness. Do you let the other person in your relationship hold you without questioning his or her act of love. This is a time to be nurtured and not to look for ulterior motives for another person’s act of love. The person that is learning to trust may possess the instinct to pull away or attempt to focus his or her time on other activities that serve as a distraction or contribute to his or her irrational thoughts. The person building trust will need to allow the other person to perform other acts of kindness such as massaging the body, making favorite meals, and writing letters of love. Have you discussed a favorite activity or interest that you have and allowed for the other person in your relationship to be part of the experience with you? By allowing the other person into his or her world, the person that is developing trust is also earning trust.

In regards to showing the virtue of respect, the person that is developing trust should make time each day to share a fear, dream, or hope, and to let the other person know how he or she can share in this experience. By including the other person in these thoughts and feelings, the person that is developing trust will enhance his or her relationship. Respect entails a concerted effort for each person to value the other. Do you accept compliments by the other person in you relationship? Most people that do not trust others will not accept compliments without minimizing the statement in some manner. They do not thank the person for making the compliment because he or she does not believe the statement.

For the virtue of honesty, a person can evaluate his or her ability to trust by participating in daily conversations with the other person about how well he or she is receiving love and respect. This discussion will also include how well he or she shared his or her vulnerabilities. Persons that are developing trust need to let others know how comfortable or uncomfortable that he or she is with the behavioral expectations for the virtues of love and respect. Through honest communication with the use of “I statements”, this person can work to a compromise on how fast or slow the behavioral expectations are incorporated. Both persons in a relationship that is building trust need to keep the other’s vulnerabilities confidential. Violating the other’s confidence will hurt the trust that both are attempting to establish.

For those areas that a person falls short of the mark, he or she will need to take responsibility for his or her actions and atone for the hurt caused the other person. The person that does not meet the expectation may not recognize the impact of the hurt initially. The person committing the hurtful act may feel as though he or she was being helpful by not requiring love and respect by the other person. This new system is intended to help both persons in a relationship to demonstrate these virtues. Once the person takes responsibility for his or her hurtful action, he or she can atone by demonstrating the behavioral expectation that he or she was unable to perform. If through discussions and problem solving that both parties discover that the expectation in question is not attainable at the time, the person that is learning to trust can atone by sharing his or her sorrow and appreciation for the other person’s attempts to show love, respect, or honesty. This person will also communicate the steps that he or she will take to meet this expectation in the future. Over time, the person that is developing trust will need to reciprocate the acts of love and respect outlined in this developmental stage. He or she should not wait too long to do this. Selfless acts are what will help a person to understand the powerful impact this system will have in each relationship that he or she will encounter.